Orlando's Counseling, Marriage & Family Therapy and Life Coach Professionals

Do you feel like you can never make a decision? Do you think that you can’t handle things yourself? Do you believe you’re flawed, unworthy? Does the thought of loving yourself sound ridiculous, vain, selfish? Do you anticipate that life just isn’t going to be good, no matter what you do? Do you find yourself defending those who mistreat you? Are you always blaming and shaming yourself for things that aren’t a big deal? Does criticism send you into a tailspin from which you find it difficult to recover? Do you undersell your abilities and accomplishments to the point where you miss out on opportunities? Do you mistrust your own feelings and work hard not to let them show? Are you constantly trying to earn/re-earn approval, respect, love, and acceptance? Keep reading…

Is it possible you have a Borderline Parent? Maybe you do and you don’t even know. The thing is, if your parent is a Borderline you may be living a life that’s not your own; one of fear, shame, guilt and doubt. How can you tell if your parent is a Borderline? Well, first of all, see if any of the following sound familiar to you…

A person with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) exhibits an extreme inability to regulate or control emotions, marked impulsivity, instability of interpersonal relationships, and a tremendous fear of abandonment. Approximately 2% of Americans, predominantly women, have BPD, which translates to about 6 million people nationwide. Having a parent (mother or father) with BPD can be devastating to your self-worth and seriously hamper your ability to live your adult life to the fullest.

Continue Reading »

Share this:

Did you have a fun childhood? You know, the kind where every day seemed like Christmas or the Fourth of July? Did your parents make you feel like you were the best kid who ever lived and that one day you were going to change the world, write the great American novel, or at least cure cancer? Were you always stylishly dressed, well rested, completely satisfied and deliriously happy? Me too! No, just kidding.

My childhood was often difficult. I felt lonely and unloved much of the time. However, I had many good times, too. I had food, clothing and shelter. I had pets. I got to name them. I had a sister (I didn’t get to name her; she came first). I remember that when I was very young, my mom had this funny little Betty Crocker booklet of different birthday cake shapes. Each year she would get it out and have me choose a cake for my birthday party (I mostly remember the butterfly and the rabbit). She would elaborately decorate the cakes with coconut (yum), licorice (yuck) and gum drops (oh, yeah). My mom would let me pick where ever I wanted to go and whatever I wanted to do for my birthday, anything from spending the day at the zoo to dining at the fancy revolving rooftop restaurant downtown.

When my mom took me to the hospital at age six to have eye surgery, she said not to worry, because I had the same eye doctor as the Washington Redskins. So, I didn’t worry. The first time I went to work with my mom (she was a secretary), I was thrilled to discover a paint-by-number that I had made hanging on the wall by her desk. My mom would always buy me a new Nancy Drew Mystery when I finished the last one (I know, I’m old). My mom would let me play dress up with the cat (forgive me dear Smokey, forgive me). My mom even developed the blank roll of film I produced with my pin hole camera (the guy at the Photo Hut said that perhaps I had made the pin hole too big). One magical year my mom bought me a twirling baton for Christmas and a Star Wars X-wing Fighter for my birthday.

Continue Reading »

Share this:

Everyone knows one. They’re selfish, mean, arrogant, greedy, critical, explosive, needy and oh-so-charming (did I mention arrogant?). Worst of all, they’re often quite attractive and very intelligent. They’re the charismatic life of the party, who makes everyone within the sound of their voice feel special, important, alive. As the nursery rhyme says, “When they’re good, they’re very very good; and when they’re bad, they’re horrid.” They violate your boundaries…all the time. You get that queasy feeling that you’re being taken advantage of or abused by them, but you can’t decide what to do about it. You desperately want them to like you, spend time with you, approve of you and compliment you. And they do…when it’s convenient for them. But it always falls just short of being enough…

You fall into that trap of wanting to be better, trying harder and harder to please them. And, believe me; it takes A LOT OF EFFORT to please them. You wait for over an hour for them, when they’re running late. The first few times they’re so apologetic and eager to make it up to you. Then, after a while (or maybe fairly quickly) you allow them to convince you that their callous disregard for your feelings is somehow your fault. You make excuses for them to your peers who have already begun to give up on them. You start to notice that they have left many ex-friends and burned bridges in their wake.

You realize that they require Herculean efforts to prop them up emotionally. They are bottomless pits of need, and they are all too willing to critique your noble efforts to fill them up. You try to overlook their excesses like drinking, exaggerating, and monopolizing. When the extent of their emotional damage is finally made clear to you, through their explosive anger, lack of empathy, air of superiority, sense of entitlement, and fragile ego; you realize too late that they’re Narcissists. Somehow, you didn’t notice that they were never a good friend, lover, spouse, co-worker, sibling, parent, boss, etc. You just believed them when they said it was all your fault. Their crazy-making behavior totally pushed you off your center and you lost your sense of self.

Continue Reading »

Share this:

Often I have clients ask me why people do things (to them) that are bad; or “Why do bad things happen to good people?” In other words, they want to know why someone has intentionally lied to, cheated on, stolen from, or hurt them in one form or another. With the economic crisis such as it is, this is becoming an increasingly popular inquiry here in Central Florida. I already know what I say, but how would you answer this question?

I decided to consult the all powerful internet, assuming there would be a consensus; which turned out to be more like playing around with a Magic 8 Ball. At answers.yahoo.com, I was told that the top three reasons why people do bad things were as follows: #1. Self-centered selfishness, #2. Original sin, and #3. Criminals assume they’ll get away with it. I found an article at PsychologyToday.com which suggested that “doing bad things” is a result of learned behavior that allows you to “act without thinking,” and it can never be fully unlearned (for example: addiction). On another site I found a really interesting article about the nature of suffering, where they pretty much said that “why” was not for us to know, but I digress…

Anyway, here is a list of things that I like to know before I tackle any “why.” Now, please keep in mind that I don’t always straight out ask this entire list of questions. People just tend to state the answers to most of these queries during the course of therapy.

Continue Reading »

Share this:

I have to say that my all time favorite story when I was a little kid was The Emperor’s New Clothes, not Where the Wild Things Are or The Cat in the Hat. I suppose it had something to do with the fact that when I was very small, nudity made me giggle. Mostly, I think this tale fascinated me because, in the end, a child is the one who points out that the Emperor is naked. Also, I believe that even as a kid, I suspected that people could easily fall for deception if you told it to them in just the right way. Maybe I’m giving myself way too much credit. After all, around that same time, my favorite tv show was The Hollywood Squares, despite the fact that I had no idea what the jokes were about or the answers to any of the questions!

Today I read a snarky comment online that was written in response to a blog about Psychotherapy, which reminded me of the story about the Emperor who got nothing for his money but a lesson in vanity. This disparaging post (I’ll paraphrase) stated that therapy is merely “paying thousands of dollars to a shrink to be told the obvious.” The implication being that the therapist gets rich, while the client gets nothing. Within this same post was a reference to being given pills, so I’m guessing this person has also been prescribed medication for a mental health issue at some time in his/her life-or knows someone who has. I’m sad to say that I have read similar posts before.

If this person has received therapy and medication, yet feels as though there was no benefit, I am truly sorry to hear it.

Continue Reading »

Share this:

Five years ago I completely, absolutely, extremely, spectacularly totaled my precious little 2000 Volkswagen Beetle. I spun it out on the Universal exit ramp from I-4. It was an unusually foggy morning and my tires lost traction on the extremely slick and curvy ramp. When my car first started fish-tailing, I thought, “It’s going to be okay. I can regain control.” Well, the next thing you know, time started to slow way way down. At about this same instant my beautiful baby car started doing donuts down the ramp, banking off the retention walls (boy, are they strong) like a bumper car at a winter carnival. By the time it ground to a halt, I felt like I was under water or landing on the moon. I fleetingly wondered if I was going to get in trouble for being late to work. Then I remembered that our team was going to be in a training all day, so it probably wouldn’t be a big deal. I began trying to call someone with my cell phone, but (no lie) I couldn’t figure out how to get the magical device to work.

Luckily, nice people began appearing through the fog and asking me if I was okay. I remember wondering why they were asking. I got out of my Beetle Bug in a super-slow-mo daze and took a look at it. My car was perpendicular to the road, and I instinctively got back in so that I could move it out of the way. Yeah. One of the nice fog people said, “Um, ma’am, your wheels aren’t attached to your car anymore. It’s not going anywhere.” Little did he know, it wouldn’t start either. Being in shock, I still tried over and over to get the poor thing started. I believe they finally persuaded me to get out of the car, by explaining that someone might come speeding down the ramp (it was still dark outside) and t-bone me before the cops (who had arrived by this time) could block off the exit.

Sure enough, when I got back out I could see that both of my front wheels had come off (I had broken the axle during my vehicular pirouettes), and one of the wheels was way back up the ramp-almost out of sight. It was at this point that I noticed that the exit ramp wasn’t exactly on the ground. It’s more like a bridge, meaning that it’s really high up in the air. Let’s just say that I never want to find out how high it is. I could have died. Just as I was about to slip into a fear driven panic, a fog person asked me if I’d like to use their phone to call someone. I said yes, and for some reason, I could make theirs work. I called my boss. He came right away to pick me up (nice guy). He arrived at the same time as the tow truck. Hurray.

Continue Reading »

Share this:

Ok, so for the last couple of weeks I’ve been completely in love with Dr. William Glasser’s book entitled Take Charge of Your Life: How to Get What You Need with Choice Theory Psychology (2011). The front cover contains this quote by Dr. Phil McGraw (yes, Dr. Phil); “This book is a ‘game changer’ for anyone ready to become the Captain of their own ship. Going far beyond theory and philosophy this powerful book is a hands-on guide to creating, rather than just observing one’s life. A must read and more than once.” Well, now that I’ve quoted Dr. Phil (please forgive me Dr. Phil haters), I may as well go ahead and tell you that Choice Theory is the guiding principle behind Reality Therapy-which is what Dr. Phil ostensibly does on his show (although mostly I think what Dr. Phil does is “Reality Theatre”).

True Reality Therapy consists of the therapist asking four important questions: 1) What do you want? 2) What are you doing? 3) Is it working? 4) What else can you do? By asking these four questions the therapist is conducting an “investigation” into whether or not (or to what degree) the client is getting his/her needs met. Together, they may find that his/her current behavior is ineffective or inappropriate, resulting in unwanted consequences. That’s where Choice Theory comes in to play: Dr. Glasser believes that we all choose how to behave at any given moment, and therefore we are able to choose alternate behaviors that will result in greater life satisfaction.

As Dr. Glasser (2011) states:

Continue Reading »

Share this:

Be forewarned: I’m probably not the first person to think of these things, but I still hope you’ll find it interesting.

The Walking Dead (or TWD) is my favorite show on tv, followed closely by Breaking Bad and Mad Men. As I watched the recent season finale, I wondered why it strikes such a cord with so many people. Maybe it’s because lately all of us have had to do things we never thought we would do in order to make ends meet and…to survive. Some of us have lost homes or cars (or both). Others have even lost loving relationships due to the hardships caused by the ongoing economic crisis. We all are in crisis. We all are facing a never-ending list of difficult choices. There’s no end in sight. Even those of us who are doing well have people we love who are suffering, and there’s nothing we can do about it. We’re starting to lose hope. We look back at our lives before 2008 with great nostalgia.

So, I’ve pretty much just described the plot of The Walking Dead, without the zombies. Of course, a good case could be made to support the premise that there are plenty of walkers (zombies) in our day to day lives (Wikipedia defines zombies as “mindless, animated corpses”): insert boss joke here. Just about the only real difference between TWD and life as we know it is that we’re stuck living this out, whereas the cast of TWD is able to stroll back to their trailers, wash off the dirt and fake blood, change clothes, and have their drivers whisk them away to luxurious accommodations. Well, that and the fact that on the show they are continually on high alert for imminent, sudden death in the form of being eaten alive by a “herd” of the undead. The only thing we have that compares is the lack of affordable health care that looms over us with ghoulish delight, waiting for our numbers to come up (while we’re in-between jobs and insurance). So, I guess we are worried sick about the means to acquire health, food, clothing, shelter, transportation and fuel. America is The Walking Dead Lite; which is why we love TWD so very very much.

Continue Reading »

Share this:

Recently at LSRG someone told us about the web app called Illuum (www.illuum.com), and we decided to check it out. Turns out, the app is pretty simple. As the homepage states, “Illuum is a new web app to track, study and improve your happiness…It gets you out of your head and shows you things you never knew about yourself. All for the low low price of whatever you feel like paying!” To get started, you can either click on “Yes, I like being happy! Sign me up.” Or, you can choose the way of all sorrow by clicking on “No thanks, I like being sad.”

Spoiler alert: If you clink on “No thanks,” you will receive the following message: “That’s cool too! Appreciating sadness is a healthy approach. You can still use Illuum to find out when and why you’re not doing great, but we don’t want to be pushy. Instead, may we suggest a thick blanket and a nice warm mug of hot chocolate?” It’s reminds me of the scene in The Matrix, where Neo has to choose between the red pill or the blue pill. Knowledge or ignorance? Ignorance is bliss, right; or at least a thick blanket…

Anyway, you may be wondering how exactly this app would be useful, since you’re probably already pretty capable of figuring out if you’re happy or not. Well, the thing is, maybe you’re not as aware as you think you are. What Illuum gives you is the ability to stand outside yourself (statistically speaking) and objectively appraise how your happiness is trending. Maybe it sounds strange or clinical to assign a numerical value to your relative bliss, but then again, maybe you’ve not been assigning it any value lately.

Continue Reading »

Share this:

Yoga’s a pretty straight forward, simple practice, right? It’s not dangerous like race car driving, whitewater rafting or bungee jumping. After all, there’s zero chance that during your yoga practice you’ll hit a wall at 191 miles per hour and burst into flames, capsize on slippery rocks and drown as you’re unceremoniously dragged upside-down by your ankle down river, or suffer massive cranial trauma after colliding head-first into concrete. It’s done in a very relaxed atmosphere, complete with soft lighting, aromatherapy and peaceful music. Nobody ever died from an intense yoga workout, I think.

However, there is growing concern that improper yoga practice could lead to unnecessary stress and strain to the body, resulting in injury. That is serious, as many people choose to do yoga because of its reputation for being low impact. Well, don’t worry. Eva Norlyk Smith, PhD has come up with five tips to practicing safe yoga and avoiding yoga injuries.
They are:

1) Adopt a beginner’s mind…Yoga’s not as easy as it looks. Definitely start out in a beginners’ class. Learn the basics. Build your knowledge. Take your time. Try to overachieve at being patient.

Continue Reading »

Share this: