Jean Austin-Danner, Licensed Clinical Social Worker

I am one of the counselors at Like Skills Resource Group in Orlando. I am also a human being with my own life experiences. This blog posting is written more from a personal, rather than professional, perspective.

As I cleaned out some old files recently, I came across something I wrote in the days preceding my mother’s death in April, 2001. I am working with several clients who are working through their own grief right now. I share my words of coming-to-acceptance to honor all those who courageously do the hard work of grieving.

My 66 y.o. mother is dying. The cancer has advanced. There is no more treatment. My mother says she is tired of fighting it, she can’t tolerate the way she feels any more, she is ready to go. She looks so fragile and vulnerable.

I ask her if she is scared of dying. She says she is a little, because she doesn’t really know what it is going to be like, even though she holds strong faith beliefs. I am scared for her. I don’t like hearing that she is scared because I don’t know how to help her with that. I don’t have a sense of how she handles fear. I project my own reactions to fear on her and wish I could protect her from having to experience all that. She’s going some place that I can’t go with her. I don’t like that either.

The little girl that still lives in me feels panicked that my second parent is about to die. I feel kind of abandoned, a bit lost and alone—scared that no one is left to watch out for me. I have to give myself a bit of a shake and remind myself that I am an adult now. I have to purposely reach down inside of myself to find my own faith beliefs and spiritual connections—remind myself of what I believe to be true, find comfort from my spirituality and my other relationships.

I know in my head that this is the flow of life—that death is not a bad thing but part of the cycle of life. I am not being punished. I am not alone. I will go on and enjoy the remainder of my life. And then I will face my own death and help my children to let me go.

I am finally glad for all the memories of my parents—both good and bad. I am glad that I was a child and now I’ve grown up. At 42, I finally feel almost confident that I do have some answers. I am still sad for the empty space that my mother’s death will leave, though.

Sadness and fear sometimes choke me, keep me from being able to breathe right, squeeze my heart and make me feel like vomiting. I cry often to let these feelings out. And then, I again remember the cycle of life as a normal life process.

I take a deep breath. I take a step. I hold my mother’s hand. I parent my children. I go to work. I make dinner. I pay the bills. I talk to my family and friends. I talk to God. I call my former counselor.

I wonder when my mother will slip away and whether I will be with her. The nights I stay with her, I wonder if I will find her dead when I wake up. I imagine the whole funeral thing. I feel tired. Saying good-bye is so hard and yet I feel blessed to have been given the experience. There is something beautiful in it all. It is bittersweet.

I can finally feel that good-bye does not mean loss of connection.

Life happens to all of us. Sometimes, it is hard. We all need each other in the living of this life. Please know that the counselors and life coaches at Life Skills Resource Group of Orlando are here for you. If you are grieving, or having something else in your life that you would really like to talk through with someone, click here to read our profiles. Feel free to give any of us a call for a FREE Phone consultation to talk about what’s going on with you and to schedule an appointment.  Jean

To read more about Jean Austin-Danner’s work at LSRG

Jessica Stage, Registered Clinical Social Work Intern

As one of the Orlando therapists at Life Skills Resource Group, I have the honor of serving clients from diverse backgrounds and ages. In my “day job” I work in a hospital, where I see patients every day who are struck with the unexpected trauma of an injury or illness. I have been focusing my counseling work on clients who are coping with chronic illness and traumatic injury. It is a great way to blend my knowledge of counseling with my experience in the health care system.  I will see clients sometimes who are tearful and depressed due to being in unmanageable pain. Sometimes they are searching for a diagnosis, other times they have been told they have a chronic, incurable “condition”.   Being thrust into the medical system when you have always been “healthy” can be a shock. You lose so much control over your life. A doctor is telling you what you can’t do. A nurse is telling you to “take this medicine”. You may feel confused and overwhelmed, and feel that you have no say in your treatment. This is not true!

As a social worker, we work to show people the tools to advocate for themselves. YOU are the person who knows the most about your own (or your child’s) medical condition. A doctor or other health care professional is only seeing you for a few minutes, and has to try to obtain the most information in order to make an accurate diagnosis and treatment plan. You can work with your doctor or other health care professional in order to maximize your time and help them to help you. It is important if you are dealing with chronic pain to try to keep a “pain journal” of what times of the day, or what activities you are doing, in order to help the doctor find the root of the pain. Try to give the pain a numeric rating as well, on a scale from one to ten. If you tell the doctor ” my back hurts all the time” versus ” I feel like my pain is a 7 out of 10 when I take a shower, a 5 out of 10 when I am driving, and I only feel “normal” when I am in bed” this can lead to a clearer picture of what you are experiencing.

If you are going to a first appointment with a specialist, try to bring a trusted friend or family member along to help “take notes”. You can get told so much information that you may not process it all, or may not realize what you need to follow up on. It is important to write down any questions you may have so you don’t forget  to raise your concerns.  If you only have a half an hour with a specialist, try to maximize your time. Have the name and phone numbers of any referrals that you wish with you for the doctor’s office staff.

Also, try not to get bogged down in the “information overload” of the internet. While having lots of resources to find out about an illness or injury is important, make sure that you are going to reputable websites. ANYONE can make a web page, so you don’t want to try a miracle cure that you found online without discussing it with your health care provider first. The same is to be said for herbal or natural supplements. While many can be helpful, some can interact seriously with prescribed medications, so it is very important to speak to your doctor prior to taking any of these supplements.

Having a chronic medical condition such as multiple sclerosis, lupus, cancer or diabetes can sometimes make you feel that you are defined by your illness. Remember that you are a person living with the condition, rather than someone who is dying from it. Try not to let others define you by your illness. With new medical breakthroughs every day, it is possible to live a viable, meaningful life. If you are feeling depressed because you are in pain, it is important to have your doctor address your pain at the same time as a therapist is addressing your depression. If you feel like you need someone “in your corner” to lead you to advocate for yourself in health care decisions, please contact me or one of the other skilled counselors on the OUR TEAM page at Life Skills Resource Group Orlando for a FREE Phone Consultation.  JES

To read about Jessica’s work at LSRG

Amy Smith, MS, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern

Conflict is something everyone has to deal with sometime. Parents invariably have some conflict in their lives whether they are married, separated, or divorced. Often when families are dealing with divorce there is a heightened level of parental conflict. For children, having to deal with parental conflict is a terrible burden to bear. The actions of parents during this difficult time can affect all aspects of a child’s youth and have lingering effects well into adulthood. It is important for parents to be aware of this so they can make good choices and ensure their children learn appropriate ways to manage conflict. The Orlando counselors and life coaches at Life Skills Resource Group are available to help families make good choices in managing conflict in a healthy manner.

According to The Center for Divorce & Remarriage “on going conflict between parents is a constant reminder that the right to be loved and cared for by both parents has been seriously compromised. The more intense, pervasive, and open the hostility, the more damaging to children. [Children] continue to hold the hope that their parents will stop fighting and work things out, much like [the] advice adults give children when a disagreement between playmates occurs”.

Children who come from homes with high levels of parental conflict are at risk for a wide rage of emotional and behavioral problems. Some children act out by exhibiting new behaviors such as delinquency, increased anger and aggression, decreased ability to control anger and outbursts, and spending time with other children who are making poor choices. Other children turn inward and may show signs of depression, become isolated from friends and family members, begin using drugs, develop poor eating habits, or express physical symptoms such as stomachaches and headaches. Children can also have difficulty interacting with others during this stressful time in their lives. Low self-esteem, poor social skills, and the inability to form healthy, lasting relationships in childhood and adulthood can be affected if children do not learn how to interact socially with others. Finally children can have trouble with their cognitive skills such as truancy, poor grades, impaired thinking, inattention, hyperactivity, and not turning in assignments due to being distracted with the problems that are taking place at home.

Therefore, it is important for parents to be aware of how their actions affect the daily lives of their children and to ensure that any conflict they are experiencing is not harming the children. If you have seen changes in your child or in your relationship, a counselor can help you work through these changes in a supportive, objective, and confidential environment. The counselors and life coaches at  Orlando Life Skills Resource Group want you to know we are able to help during these difficult times. Please read about OUR TEAM here at Life Skills Resource Group in Orlando and find out how we can help you on your journey. AMY

Phone consultations are always FREE.

To read more about Amy Smith’s work at LSRG

Kim Murphy, MS, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern

Wikipedia describes unconditional positive regard, or UPR, (a term coined by humanist Psychologist Carl Rogers) as “blanket acceptance and support of a person, regardless of what the person says or does.” Now you may be thinking to yourself something along the lines of, “Oh, you can’t really do that. You have to have some judgments or opinions. Nobody can do that.” The truth is, if I couldn’t do it, I’d have no business being a counselor. UPR is the cornerstone of any therapeutic alliance. A person seeking the help of a counselor has to feel that it is safe to openly and honestly describe thoughts, feelings and actions without fear of condemnation, or even rejection. Clients in no way have to earn acceptance; it is immediately and freely given. As a counselor at Life Skills Resource Group here in Orlando, it is my duty to offer each client a “judgment free zone” in which they can learn to accept themselves and take responsibility for their lives.

When a person makes the decision to seek out professional help, they are often (not always) at the end of their rope, or close to it. The last thing they want or need is to tell their greatest sorrow/deepest secret to a complete stranger and then have that person tell them that they are flawed, damaged, foolish or “crazy.” They have already confided in their friends or loved ones, in hopes of finding that miraculous bit of advice that will make the pain stop-make it all okay again. But, they haven’t found it. The ever elusive cure is always out of reach. They see everyone around them as happy and productive and fulfilled, and they feel left out of life’s riches. They’ve been down so long that they don’t remember what it’s like to be up. What happens is that over time the people in their lives who matter most to them stop listening to them cry, and vent, and rage. They lose support and encouragement, while their need for it only increases. They know they have been alienating the people around them, but they’re desperate for the pain to stop, and so they keep seeking advice.

Unfortunately, friends and loved ones have a finite amount of time and attention that they can give to the person in need. Also, it can be quite difficult for a friend to listen to the story of someone who’s struggling without projecting themselves into the situation. They can’t resist saying, “I told you this would happen,” or “Are you still hung up on this?” or “I would never put up with that…” The truth is that the people in our lives who love us can’t stand to see us in pain, and they wish there was a magic button they could push to make our problems go away. They become frustrated and annoyed when they watch us repeat patterns, receiving wounds from the same source(s), without learning. Often, our friends and family cease to see us as separate from our problems and grow tired of “dealing” with us. Family members can be critical, spouses can be at cross purposes, and co-workers can have agendas. Their advice giving may be flawed, reckless or have strings attached, no matter how well intentioned. Sometimes friends and loved ones just come right out and say, “I give up. I can’t deal with your problems anymore!” This can leave a person feeling isolated and misunderstood. They are left to wander in the desert of disapproval, judgment and dejection alone.

Fortunately, a counselor’s office is the place where a person can fully experience the gift that is UPR. Counselors know that an accepting and supportive environment is the number one condition for personal growth. Unconditional positive regard can be the most curative thing that a counselor can offer a person. For how can a person who sees herself in negative ways hope to see herself otherwise, without having the opportunity to experience total acceptance right where she’s at, no matter the circumstance? As a client begins to see herself, free of judgment and blame, she is able to walk back out of the desert, never to return. UPR can truly be that cool drink of water, after wandering for so long in the desert and it is available to everyone who seeks it out. Fondest regards, Kim C. Murphy

To read more about Kim C. Murphy’s work at LSRG.

To arrange a Free phone consultation contact Kim at therapistkimmurphy@gmail.com or 321-352-2258.

Garrett Fabico

I attended Catholic schools for middle and high school and feel immensely grateful and privileged for everything that they exposed me to. It was from those environments that I learned how to recognize right from wrong (and how much more I enjoyed wrong), the importance of appreciation, and that maybe all that matters in life is learning to love your own. Perhaps most dear to the person I am now, though, was the byproduct of a regimented and often hypocritical Catholic education: independent thought. From an early age, I began to think inquisitively about religion. I was bothered most, I think, by my peers’ acceptance (or lack of apparent questioning) of God’s supreme wisdom arbitrarily dispensed by school textbook. Catholic God’s case received further demerit when I learned that even gingerly posed questioning (in middle school and from a particular junior theologian, mind you) would be met with either idiomatic rote or punishment. Though I was enamored by what I saw as the core of the Catholic faith—a selfless and loving lifestyle characterized by the actions you take for others—I was convinced that the people around me calling themselves Catholics did not show that they were Catholic by the way they lived. To me, a lot of these people were merely wearing their religion like a fly pair of shoes—they make a good impression and protect your feet from the hot concrete, but they’re nowhere to be found when there isn’t anyone around to see them.

By the time I’d seen sixteen years, punk rock had become a most defining influence in my quest for certainty and self. I immersed myself in the subculture and absorbed the raw emotion that I had discovered, attending shows regularly and proclaiming my headphones as my most trusted friend. Some of my life’s most valuable lessons were learned from hardcore punk bands that advocated brotherhood and pride, straight edge lifestyles and a clear mind, and youth crew ideals like optimism and perseverance. I had found shelter in the underground, but the insuppressible doubt that expounds my life was omnipresent. The music and the energy spoke to me, but like my experience with Catholics, I quickly realized that the integrity of a movement lies entirely on the shoulders of its subscribers. The hardcore scene, which should have exuded unity and acceptance, was dominated by macho men and hipsters, more concerned with their image than their ideals. To me, most “idealists” were one in the same—“Why?” is a question that Jesus Christ (Bible) or Henry Rollins (Black Flag) could readily answer, but when their followers are presented with the same question, they can merely reproduce the phonetics of what their leader had to say on the matter.

It is my belief that most people don’t fully understand or even contemplate why they live their lives as they do, and that many feign deep conviction by wearing their so-called beliefs on their sleeves. It seems to me that these people are more likely deluded than they are enlightened. The world that we know is rife with lessons, but what do they mean unless you make them your own? A lesson learned is not a lesson lived. Think, and never follow.  Garrett

A common issue individuals talk about in counseling is spiritual and religious beliefs, including how to develop their own independent beliefs, confusion and guilt about how they are living their lives compared with how they were taught, and what to do with regard to marriage and raising children.  If you would like to speak to one of the Orlando counselors at LIfe Skills Resource Group about this or any other issue, visit the OUR TEAM page to read the bios and set up your FREE phone consultation.  I believe Jean Austin-Danner is an excellent choice for these matter.  Jean is currently studying to become an Interfaith Minister and has completed her coursework and is writing her dissertation for her PhD. in Transformative Studies.  Cindy

Amy Smith, MS, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern

Nearly 50% of marriages end in divorce these days and according to the Associated Press, Florida has one of the higher rates in the country. Parents invariably divorce for a multitude of reasons, but their ultimate goal is to create a happier, healthier life for themselves and their children. What parents often overlook is that their actions during this difficult time can facilitate a smooth, informed, supportive transition for the children involved. The counselors and life coaches at Life Skills Resource Group Orlando can help guide families through this difficult time of transition.

Children and parents all approach and experience divorce in different ways, but there is one common fact that all families come to realize - when parents divorce, no matter what the situation, life will be changing for you and your children. It is during this time that parents wonder how to help their child best adjust to the changes that are about to take place. These questions can persist long after a divorce is final, and it’s important to know that it is never too late to make positive changes. If you have not yet divorced, you may just now be thinking about how to help your child with these life changes. One of the most important things a parent can do for their child in this difficult time is to ensure that the child knows they did not cause the divorce and they cannot stop the divorce from happening. The child also needs to consistently hear from both parents that they still love him or her regardless of what has happened in the past or what happens in the future between the parents. It is also important for children to be aware that they have the right to love both parents equally, no matter how the parents may feel about one another.

Divorce is often coupled with anger, sadness, confusion, worry, and many other feelings that need to be expressed in a healthy, supportive environment. In the groups I conduct for children of divorce I am constantly amazed at the number of children who think it is wrong to be angry or sad. It is important for all individuals, adults and children alike, to understand that all feelings are ok. We cannot deny our feelings, or our children’s feelings, but we must be aware of healthy and appropriate ways to express these feelings.

Often, parents don’t really understand how to appropriately express their own feelings, and therefore, can’t encourage their child to express theirs. However, there are some steps parents can take, such as taking a parenting class, joining a parent support group, attending individual counseling, enrolling their children in a support group for children of divorce, like the one starting this June at Life Skills Resource Group, or by using appropriate listening and reflection skills when their child is sharing their feelings. Children invariably learn from their parents and imitate their behavior, and being aware of this is necessary for effective parenting. Parenting classes or individual counseling can help parents learn appropriate ways to express their feelings and then in turn teach these skills to their children.

Divorce is a difficult time for the entire family filled with confusion, change, and heightened emotions. However, it can also be a time for new beginnings and an opportunity to build stronger family relationships. The Orlando counselors and life coaches at Life Skills Resource Group have made a commitment to help individuals, couples, children, adolescents, and families incorporate positive healthy skills into their lives and would be honored to help you and your family. Please read about OUR TEAM here at Life Skills Resource Group in Orlando and become familiar with the counselors and life coaches who are willing to help you on your journey.

Phone consultations are always FREE.

AMY~To read more about Amy’s work at LSRG

Jean Ausrtin-Danner, LCSW, Licensed Clinical Social Worker

Through my work as a counselor at Life Skills Resource Group in Orlando, I have become aware of themes that seem to present themselves repeatedly in peoples’ lives, including my own. One of those themes could be called, ‘What we think other people should be for us’.

Human relations theorists suggest that every person is actually a ‘center of experience’ (his or her own experience) and each center of experience (person) is equal to any other. Each person also has characteristics that make him or her distinct from anyone else. To my way of thinking, treating others in a respectful way means that we actually have an attitude that recognizes the value of others’ differentiation from us. Most of us, if we even stop to think about this kind of thing, probably think we usually do this.

I encourage you to really check in with yourself about this by asking, “When I listen to someone else talking to me, am I somehow analyzing whether his/her words match my own beliefs and intentions (rather than just hearing them for their own message)? Do I find myself trying to challenge the other’s opinion, or prove my point? Do I tend to get mad, critical, controlling, rejecting, or vindictive when people do not match my expectations or do things the way I want?” If we are honest with ourselves, most of us can probably answer yes to at least one of these questions.

It is hard to realize that other people exist independently from us, with their own psychological substance and form, with their own wants, needs, interests, desires that do not necessarily mesh with ours. Sometimes we disregard this reality because we are experiencing our own unmet needs. “We are accustomed to thinking about what’s wrong with other people when our needs aren’t being fulfilled” (Non Violent Communication, Rosenberg, p.53).

Certainly, it is other people who help us meet our needs. The point, though, is that they get to choose whether or not they want to or can. It is not our right to demand, manipulate, intimidate or plead with someone else to fit our specific requirements for them. According to Rosenberg, we can learn to identify our needs and directly ask others if they are willing or able to meet them.

If someone cannot do so, we turn somewhere else for the needed resources to maintain our welfare. This does not include attacking, discarding, or demeaning another person for not being what we wanted or requested. The most respectful thing we can do is to continue to acknowledge and appreciate the individuality and value of that person.

I suspect most of us are not accustomed to thinking this way. It requires us to find the strength to be vulnerable. In a culture influenced by ‘survival of the fittest’ and ‘dog eat dog’ kinds of thinking, this approach can feel very uncomfortable. I believe it is an important step towards grace, though, and that extending grace, both to ourselves and to others, is essential.

If you are interested in working with any of the counselors or life coaches at Life Skills Resource Group Orlando to develop your skills in identifying your needs, to form strategies for proactively getting them met, and/or to become freer to actually know and enjoy people for who they are, please click here to read our profiles. Feel free to contact any one of us if you want to schedule a FREE phone consultation.

Jean To read more about Jean’s work at LSRG

Jessica Stage, MSW, Registered Clinical Social Work Intern

Memorial Day weekend is upon us. For some of us it means a weekend at the beach. Going to barbeque and picnics with friends and families. Unfortunately, for many American families Memorial Day can bring on the grief of the loss of a loved one who was in the military. These men and women have made the ultimate sacrifice, leaving behind parents, spouses and children whose lives will forever be changed. Soldiers are usually in the prime of life, with new families and parents who never wanted to outlive their children. The loss of a soldier may have been recent or many years ago, but family members may have a harder time around holidays such as Memorial Day where much of the news coverage and even advertisements mention soldiers and the armed forces.

If you or someone you love has lost a family member, it is good to know that there are skilled therapists and counselors like the ones at Life Skills Resource Group Orlando that can help you to work through the grief you are feeling. They can teach you the skills to cope with your loss, and to practice self care. When one is grieving it is easy to forget to eat, or to lose sleep. You may throw yourself into your work and become detached from your friends and family. You may feel as though no one understands what you are going through. Please consider seeking the guidance and support of one of our skilled therapists, or also utilize the services offered through local veterans’ assistance programs to find support groups.

However, even when soldiers make it back to home safely, some may suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. PTSD is a kind of anxiety disorder that can occur after you have been involved in a severely traumatic event that threatened your safety or life. PTSD Symptoms can involve flashbacks of the event, avoidance or “numbing” and extreme arousal, or feeling fearful all of the time. It is important if you or someone you love experiences symptoms of PTSD that you contact a counselor or therapist to discuss your symptoms.

PTSD can also happen to people who are not soldiers. Sometimes people who have gone through events such as car crashes and sexual assault also experience the symptoms of PTSD. They may experience “survivors guilt” if they survive a crash that killed a friend or family member. At times they may try to self medicate with drugs or alcohol to try to numb the pain, but this can lead to more problems. There are many proven therapeutic techniques that our professionals at Life Skills Resource Group Orlando practice that can teach you the tools to overcome your severe PTSD symptoms. These include Rapid Trauma Resolution using Clinical Hypnosis and Emotional Freedom Technique among many others.  Visit the OUR TEAM page to read about our counselors and learn how you can set up your FREE phone consultation.

Information about PTSD from National Institution for Mental Health

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml

I hope that you all enjoy your weekend and spend time with those you love, JES

To read more about Jessica’s work at LSRG

Garrett Fabico

One valuable lesson that I have learned in my life is that people often carry burdens that are comfortingly similar to the struggles that other people have survived. Deep and indescribable discontent; disconnectedness with the people around you; love and lovelessness; lack of direction and desire for meaning; these feelings, along with their inverses, are themes of the human condition. But when the moment and the feeling are consuming you, the life you live and the pain you know can feel like something that no soul on Earth has ever borne witness to. The truth is, though, it is far from uncommon to feel hopelessly alone, betrayed, maladjusted, or disconnected. There have been countless numbers of humans before you that have known similar pains, and there will be countless others ahead of you for whom life’s burdens that you have already experienced yet await.

This lesson that I’ve learned has instilled in me another fact of life: succumbing to a life controlled by these feelings of solemnity and misery would be the easy way out. A quitter’s game, loser think. Mind you, there is no shame in the feelings themselves, but rather the decision to let them rule your life. Giving in to a life of misanthropic solitude, of depressive shame or spiteful lethargy, is for functional people a volition; a conscious and controllable decision. Google has showed me John Donne is the man that said it best: “no man is an island.”

The human condition is shared by all humans. Pain and suffering have never been strangers to our kind, and for this reason there is always a friend to be found or a place to turn to for answers. For most of life’s strife, one need not look further than their record collection or to their friends and family for motivating compassion. But even during life’s most dire and disheartening suffering, there exists shelter to be found; people that will listen with unconditional regard for your own needs and well-being that will aid selflessly in discovering answers to your own life’s questions. In fact, there are ten of those people here, at Life Skills Resource Group. Toss that loser think out the window and call today for a FREE consultation…

Visit the OUR TEAM page to read about the Orlando Counselors of Life Skills Resource Group.