Jessica Stage, MSW, Registered Clinical Social Work Intern

Hopefully many of you out there have a three day weekend in celebration of Labor Day. Labor day was first celebrated September 5th, 1882 in New York City. Labor day was meant to recognize the impact of the working class on American life. How often do you feel “celebrated” in your work life?

According to a 1999 study, three out of every four American workers describe their work as stressful. No job is without every day stress and worries. You may feel as though your boss is constantly looking over your shoulder and checking your work. You may dream of becoming self employed, and having no one to “tell you what to do”. On the other hand, your friend who is self employed is stressed out because she is working seven days a week, because she has totally responsibility over whether her business succeeds or fails!

New challenges at work can bring more stress. A promotion can lead to longer hours and more work done at home. This “drain” can lead you to feel overwhelmed and overworked. When you complain about the workload, do you also complain about the increase in prestige or in pay? Sometimes we forget that achieving our dreams is not easy, and can result in more work and responsibility.

Think of the articles that you read on celebrities, where they can complain about how much the press and paparazzi watch their every move. You may think to yourself “Why would they complain about that? They are famous, what do they expect?” Celebrities are famous for their talent in acting or singing, but also because people feel “connected” to them and want to know more about them- hence the attention of the media!

Much as a celebrity has to expect the spotlight, if you are chasing your dreams of success in your career path you must expect to put in longer hours and harder work to make yourself stand out from the crowd. If special projects are not given to you by a supervisor then seek out ways to improve your performance.
There are simple ways that you can re-frame workplace stress and put that energy into more positive thoughts and feelings. Try to focus on the good parts of your job. Think about the friends that you have there, and the work you accomplish. Avoid getting caught up in others negative talk as they can make you drained and unhappy! Make lists of the tasks you have to accomplish in the day, and try to work on the least enjoyable tasks early in the day, when you have plenty of energy. Try to show gratefulness to coworkers who assist you or go “above and beyond”. If you are a supervisor, be sure to recognize your employees. Many times simply being recognized for hard work can reduce stress and negative feelings!

Stress is not always negative! Stress can lead you to achieve great things! However, if constant workplace stress is causing you to feel anxious or depressed, please contact one of the Orlando counselors at Life Skills Resource Group for a Free phone consultation. They will be able to show you the tools to achieve a work life balance and manage your levels of stress.  Visit the Our Team page to read about the counselors of Life Skills Resource Group Orlando.  Jes
To read more about Jessica’s work at Life Skills Resource Group

Jessica Stage, MSW, Registered Clinical Social Work Intern

“This is not who I am. This is not who I want to be. This is not who I was born to become.” Have you ever felt this way, or are you struggling with these emotions right now? If so, you probably think something is wrong with you, or your life. Actually, these honest feeling are healthy, and quite normal. These feelings are nudging you not to sleepwalk through life, but to mindfully examine on how you are spending your time, and how you are using your gifts. These feelings don’t necessarily mean you need a new job, new location to live, or new relationships. What you need is already inside you. Like a sculptor, you need to chip away at the “stuff” that is in the way of your true inner being.
How do you go about “coming home to yourself”, and living the life you were meant to live? The first step is realizing you want more out of the life you have already created. You’ll need time. This is no race, and there are no material prizes for reaching your goal. What you will receive is peace, knowing you are honoring your true self.
Although you can certainly take this wonderful journey on your own, I invite you to join a group of like-minded people to help you on your way. You will need times of solitude, and time to reflect and journal, but coming together once a week to share your discoveries, share your challenges, and celebrate your successes makes the journey a joy, and keeps you from going back to sleepwalking through your life! We will explore finding work, or volunteer opportunities that ignite our passions, ways to move beyond instant gratification and materialism, and how to let go of worry and anxiety to live a calmer, more balanced life.
Please join us at Life Skills Resource Group Orlando starting Thursday, September 23, to explore “Perfectly Yourself. 9 Lessons for Enduring Happiness”, based on the book by Matthew Kelly. This new life coaching series led by Cindy Fabico, MA, LMHC, and Karen Walsh, LCI certified Life Coach, is an 8 week course that will be held on Thursday mornings, 10:30- 12:30, and in the evenings from 7:30-9:30. Click here to go to the groups page for more details and registration information. Don’t wait- it’s your turn to meet wonderful new friends, and find the happiness that comes from being “Perfectly Yourself”!
Karen To read more about Karen’s work at Life Skills Resource Group

Kim Murphy, MS, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern

Everyone’s heard of co-dependency, a term originally used to describe the behavior of a person in a relationship with an addict. Today co-dependency is defined by Wikipedia as “having a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively care taking ways that negatively impact one’s relationships and quality of life… [it] may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, and/or control patterns.” Sounds familiar, right? We all seem to know someone who behaves like this at times. Well, how familiar are you with the other half of this equation, counter-dependency? In their book entitled The Flight from Intimacy, Psychologists Janae and Barry Weinhold (2008) describe a person exhibiting counter-dependency as one who “pushes others away; acts strong and invulnerable; is cut off from his/her feelings; is self-centered; is addicted to activities or substances; blames others; avoids intimacy; acts grandiose; tries to victimize others; and is a people controller” among other things (p. 5). So, you’re probably thinking you know someone like this as well. Unfortunately, in America this kind of behavior is considered somewhat within our social norm. Being in any kind of relationship (professional or personal) with someone who is appears counter-dependent can be extremely frustrating and exhausting. As a therapist at Life Skills Resource Group in Orlando, I do not find myself working with the counter-dependent person. However, I often find myself working with someone who happens to be in a close relationship with a counter-dependent person.

It is imperative that I make clear that these terms are meant to describe patterns of behavior, not to diagnose people. The Weinholds (2008) assert that “Most people are stuck in the co-dependent and counter-dependent stages (of childhood development) and are still struggling to complete the essential developmental processes of these two stages in their adult relationships” (p.31). Basically, we are seeking to complete the unfinished business of our childhood experiences. In other words, a child whose parent was often critical and withholding of affection, will unconsciously seek out in adulthood a partner who will help reenact the scenario of the critical parent and wounded child. Why do we do this? Drs. Weinhold (2008) maintain that while abuse and neglect can be causes of co- and counter-dependent behaviors, their clinical research shows that the most common cause of these behaviors is…subtle disconnects between parent and child…” (p. 7). Perhaps our parents were too busy dealing with their own emotional issues to properly support and attend to us when we need them most…

Drs. Weinhold assert that “people with predominantly co-dependent behaviors will end up in relationships with people who have more counter-dependent behaviors” (p. 6). Most people will attest to this, as we all know that opposites attract. While co-dependent behaviors center on maintaining an intimate relationship at all personal costs, counter-dependent behaviors tend to result in avoidance of emotional vulnerability to another person in a relationship. These oppositional forces connect all too easily and make for an extremely unstable relationship. In case you’re wondering, it is possible for couples to switch back and forth between roles of counter-dependence and co-dependence, depending on the nature of the situation the couple is presented with and their corresponding unmet needs (Weinhold & Weinhold, 2008).

Fortunately for all of us, it is possible to heal our childhood wounds and change co- and counter-dependent behavior in order to create intimate, partnership relationships (Weinhold & Weinhold, 2008). If you found that these descriptions apply to you or your loved one, visit the OUR TEAM page to read about our Orlando therapists at Life Skills Resource Group and then please feel free to contact any of us for a Free phone consultation.  Kim

To read more about Kim Murphy’s work at LSRG.

Weinhold, J. B., & Weinhold, B. K. (2008). The flight from intimacy: Healing your relationship of counter-dependency-the other side of co-dependency. Novato, CA: New World Library.

I am a textbook middle child. I was born between a dynamic, talented, first-born and a fun-loving, darling, baby of the family. According to birth order theory, middle children have peacemaking tendencies, and I certainly do.

What I’ve had to learn though is that peacemaking in relationships is not peace-at-all-costs. If we subscribe to this view – “I must sacrifice whatever I have to in order to make peace with this person” – we need to understand that the price is too high.

The truth is peace at all costs is not peace. It is acquiescence under duress, a tentative armistice, appeasement. It is not genuine peace.

Genuine peace is acceptance of another, resolution; it is agreement (even if it‘s agreeing to disagree). Genuine peace involves both people. Peace at all costs takes you out of the equation, and in the end, leaves you feeling disappointed, hurt, and unheard – there is no peace within you. Besides, when we rescue others (or even ourselves) from facing the hard work that peace requires, we soon realize we have to perform the rescue over and over again.

Peace at all costs comes from a place of weakness. Genuine peace comes from strength – compassionate strength.

There is, however, much we can do to bring peace into the situations of our lives through the decisions we make about our own behaviors and attitudes – and the good news is we have complete authority over all these decisions. The words of the old song that say let peace on earth begin with me are really pretty accurate. As individuals, we can truly be a great influence for peace in both our encounters with others, and within ourselves.

If you are interested in acquiring some practical tools for pursuing peace and would like to explore this influence a little more, you are invited to attend the new LSRG recommended class Confident Conflict: New Skills for Responding to the Discord in Your Life . It will meet on Monday nights in the Fall for six sessions. You will learn some things about your own capacities for compassionate strength, and who knows, no matter what your birth order is, you just might discover that you have peacemaking tendencies too.

Amy Smith, MS, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern

I am currently in the middle of a move and as I have been packing I have noticed some of the similarities between packing and counseling. Moving is about closing old doors to make way to open new ones. It is a time to clear out old items in your closet that you no longer need or want. You may clean areas of your home that you have not seen in a while. Moving also affords you the opportunity to donate items to others who may need them more than you. It’s a time to buy new things and create new spaces. For me, it is also a time to reflect on the memories attached to the home and each item as I pack them. I also vision new memories that I will be making in my new home. Like moving counseling offers the opportunity to clean out and make changes to different areas of your life.

Counseling is an opportunity to gain self-awareness and use life’s difficulties to create growth and change. For example, some individuals struggle with low self-esteem and anxiety. People who struggle with anxiety and low self-esteem often struggle with making negative self-statements as well as using absolutes, such as “never”, “always”, “I have to”. A counselor can help you identify these negative self-statements and help you replace them with positive self-statements that resonate with you. Talking to a counselor can help you carefully analyze troublesome situations, gain new perspectives, and explore options previously not considered. Counseling can help you process feelings and heal from past losses. Like moving, counseling helps take an inventory of a person’s life to see what feelings are worth hanging on to and which ones need to be left behind.

I have chosen to move in the middle of August and many people have called me “crazy” for picking the hottest month of the year. My response to them is, “I am ready to start this new chapter of my life and take on the challenge of turning my new house into a home”. Deciding to go see a therapist does not mean that a person is “crazy” or that he or she is weak-willed. Making the choice to see a therapist is courageous and an act of personal empowerment. It shows that a person is willing to better themselves through hard work and dedication to self. What could be “crazy” about that? Counseling, like moving, takes hard work, dedication, planning, and a willingness to accept change. With awareness, a determination to work hard, and a positive outlook, change can happen through counseling.

If you feel that you would like to move parts of your life in a new direction, the Orlando counselors and life coaches at Life Skills Resource Group are here to help. A counselor or life coach can help you work through desired changes and meet your goals in a supportive, objective, and confidential environment. Please read about OUR TEAM here at Life Skills Resource Group in Orlando and find out how we can help you on your journey.   Amy

Phone consultations are always FREE.  To read more about Amy’s work at LSRG.

Garrett Fabico

Everyone is struggling. Love and relationship, life and its purpose, depression and a need for direction; the list could continue indefinitely, populated by concerns inherent to existence as a human being. There is not a mature face on Earth that doesn’t know the conflict of dissatisfaction in solitude, disguised with a smile for the sake of sociability or ease. Still, these issues have ways of making us feel alienated from the world, isolated by the secrets we keep locked behind our eyes. It is our response to these feelings though, our methods of coping with uncertainty and fleeting happiness, which really set us apart from one another. Some people seek shelter in religion, some in art and music, some in wealth, some in possessions. But no man can truly say who is rich and who is poor. These things we do to make ourselves feel significant and worthwhile are often only thinly veiled distractions from the constant struggle with our selves that manifests in times of loneliness, despair, or doubt. Sometimes, it seems that truly finding lasting calm is a peace reserved only for the enlightened or the feeble-minded

In my eyes, we often forsake our own selves by retreating to solitude when feeling overwhelmed by life’s tribulations. In succumbing to feelings of desolation, we choose to ignore the basic truth that lies behind our troubles: that you are never alone in your bewilderment. The relatedness among people is not in any shared characteristic like altruism or intolerance, nor in a common mindset of righteousness or selfishness. The relatedness among humans is in our ability to think, and inherent to human thought are these incessant questions that we all must struggle with: Does life have meaning? What is love? How does one find contentment? It is in the reality that we all have problems and questions that we are related. All people have to find the personal wisdom to decipher their own lives, but the social nature of life and its concerns cannot be ignored; to do so would be to confine your self to madness. Connect, and there will always be comfort to be found. If life’s struggles have become overwhelming for you or someone you know, there is no better time than today to take the first step towards peace of mind. Call today for a FREE phone consultation with one of the experienced counselors at Life Skills Resource Group Orlando. Garrett

Click here to visit the OUR Team page and read about the Orlando counseling professionals at Life Skills Resource group.

Jean Austin-Danner, Licensed Clinical Social Worker

I am one of the counselors at Like Skills Resource Group in Orlando. I am also a human being with my own life experiences. This blog posting is written more from a personal, rather than professional, perspective.

As I cleaned out some old files recently, I came across something I wrote in the days preceding my mother’s death in April, 2001. I am working with several clients who are working through their own grief right now. I share my words of coming-to-acceptance to honor all those who courageously do the hard work of grieving.

My 66 y.o. mother is dying. The cancer has advanced. There is no more treatment. My mother says she is tired of fighting it, she can’t tolerate the way she feels any more, she is ready to go. She looks so fragile and vulnerable.

I ask her if she is scared of dying. She says she is a little, because she doesn’t really know what it is going to be like, even though she holds strong faith beliefs. I am scared for her. I don’t like hearing that she is scared because I don’t know how to help her with that. I don’t have a sense of how she handles fear. I project my own reactions to fear on her and wish I could protect her from having to experience all that. She’s going some place that I can’t go with her. I don’t like that either.

The little girl that still lives in me feels panicked that my second parent is about to die. I feel kind of abandoned, a bit lost and alone—scared that no one is left to watch out for me. I have to give myself a bit of a shake and remind myself that I am an adult now. I have to purposely reach down inside of myself to find my own faith beliefs and spiritual connections—remind myself of what I believe to be true, find comfort from my spirituality and my other relationships.

I know in my head that this is the flow of life—that death is not a bad thing but part of the cycle of life. I am not being punished. I am not alone. I will go on and enjoy the remainder of my life. And then I will face my own death and help my children to let me go.

I am finally glad for all the memories of my parents—both good and bad. I am glad that I was a child and now I’ve grown up. At 42, I finally feel almost confident that I do have some answers. I am still sad for the empty space that my mother’s death will leave, though.

Sadness and fear sometimes choke me, keep me from being able to breathe right, squeeze my heart and make me feel like vomiting. I cry often to let these feelings out. And then, I again remember the cycle of life as a normal life process.

I take a deep breath. I take a step. I hold my mother’s hand. I parent my children. I go to work. I make dinner. I pay the bills. I talk to my family and friends. I talk to God. I call my former counselor.

I wonder when my mother will slip away and whether I will be with her. The nights I stay with her, I wonder if I will find her dead when I wake up. I imagine the whole funeral thing. I feel tired. Saying good-bye is so hard and yet I feel blessed to have been given the experience. There is something beautiful in it all. It is bittersweet.

I can finally feel that good-bye does not mean loss of connection.

Life happens to all of us. Sometimes, it is hard. We all need each other in the living of this life. Please know that the counselors and life coaches at Life Skills Resource Group of Orlando are here for you. If you are grieving, or having something else in your life that you would really like to talk through with someone, click here to read our profiles. Feel free to give any of us a call for a FREE Phone consultation to talk about what’s going on with you and to schedule an appointment.  Jean

To read more about Jean Austin-Danner’s work at LSRG

Jessica Stage, Registered Clinical Social Work Intern

As one of the Orlando therapists at Life Skills Resource Group, I have the honor of serving clients from diverse backgrounds and ages. In my “day job” I work in a hospital, where I see patients every day who are struck with the unexpected trauma of an injury or illness. I have been focusing my counseling work on clients who are coping with chronic illness and traumatic injury. It is a great way to blend my knowledge of counseling with my experience in the health care system.  I will see clients sometimes who are tearful and depressed due to being in unmanageable pain. Sometimes they are searching for a diagnosis, other times they have been told they have a chronic, incurable “condition”.   Being thrust into the medical system when you have always been “healthy” can be a shock. You lose so much control over your life. A doctor is telling you what you can’t do. A nurse is telling you to “take this medicine”. You may feel confused and overwhelmed, and feel that you have no say in your treatment. This is not true!

As a social worker, we work to show people the tools to advocate for themselves. YOU are the person who knows the most about your own (or your child’s) medical condition. A doctor or other health care professional is only seeing you for a few minutes, and has to try to obtain the most information in order to make an accurate diagnosis and treatment plan. You can work with your doctor or other health care professional in order to maximize your time and help them to help you. It is important if you are dealing with chronic pain to try to keep a “pain journal” of what times of the day, or what activities you are doing, in order to help the doctor find the root of the pain. Try to give the pain a numeric rating as well, on a scale from one to ten. If you tell the doctor ” my back hurts all the time” versus ” I feel like my pain is a 7 out of 10 when I take a shower, a 5 out of 10 when I am driving, and I only feel “normal” when I am in bed” this can lead to a clearer picture of what you are experiencing.

If you are going to a first appointment with a specialist, try to bring a trusted friend or family member along to help “take notes”. You can get told so much information that you may not process it all, or may not realize what you need to follow up on. It is important to write down any questions you may have so you don’t forget  to raise your concerns.  If you only have a half an hour with a specialist, try to maximize your time. Have the name and phone numbers of any referrals that you wish with you for the doctor’s office staff.

Also, try not to get bogged down in the “information overload” of the internet. While having lots of resources to find out about an illness or injury is important, make sure that you are going to reputable websites. ANYONE can make a web page, so you don’t want to try a miracle cure that you found online without discussing it with your health care provider first. The same is to be said for herbal or natural supplements. While many can be helpful, some can interact seriously with prescribed medications, so it is very important to speak to your doctor prior to taking any of these supplements.

Having a chronic medical condition such as multiple sclerosis, lupus, cancer or diabetes can sometimes make you feel that you are defined by your illness. Remember that you are a person living with the condition, rather than someone who is dying from it. Try not to let others define you by your illness. With new medical breakthroughs every day, it is possible to live a viable, meaningful life. If you are feeling depressed because you are in pain, it is important to have your doctor address your pain at the same time as a therapist is addressing your depression. If you feel like you need someone “in your corner” to lead you to advocate for yourself in health care decisions, please contact me or one of the other skilled counselors on the OUR TEAM page at Life Skills Resource Group Orlando for a FREE Phone Consultation.  JES

To read about Jessica’s work at LSRG

Amy Smith, MS, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern

Conflict is something everyone has to deal with sometime. Parents invariably have some conflict in their lives whether they are married, separated, or divorced. Often when families are dealing with divorce there is a heightened level of parental conflict. For children, having to deal with parental conflict is a terrible burden to bear. The actions of parents during this difficult time can affect all aspects of a child’s youth and have lingering effects well into adulthood. It is important for parents to be aware of this so they can make good choices and ensure their children learn appropriate ways to manage conflict. The Orlando counselors and life coaches at Life Skills Resource Group are available to help families make good choices in managing conflict in a healthy manner.

According to The Center for Divorce & Remarriage “on going conflict between parents is a constant reminder that the right to be loved and cared for by both parents has been seriously compromised. The more intense, pervasive, and open the hostility, the more damaging to children. [Children] continue to hold the hope that their parents will stop fighting and work things out, much like [the] advice adults give children when a disagreement between playmates occurs”.

Children who come from homes with high levels of parental conflict are at risk for a wide rage of emotional and behavioral problems. Some children act out by exhibiting new behaviors such as delinquency, increased anger and aggression, decreased ability to control anger and outbursts, and spending time with other children who are making poor choices. Other children turn inward and may show signs of depression, become isolated from friends and family members, begin using drugs, develop poor eating habits, or express physical symptoms such as stomachaches and headaches. Children can also have difficulty interacting with others during this stressful time in their lives. Low self-esteem, poor social skills, and the inability to form healthy, lasting relationships in childhood and adulthood can be affected if children do not learn how to interact socially with others. Finally children can have trouble with their cognitive skills such as truancy, poor grades, impaired thinking, inattention, hyperactivity, and not turning in assignments due to being distracted with the problems that are taking place at home.

Therefore, it is important for parents to be aware of how their actions affect the daily lives of their children and to ensure that any conflict they are experiencing is not harming the children. If you have seen changes in your child or in your relationship, a counselor can help you work through these changes in a supportive, objective, and confidential environment. The counselors and life coaches at  Orlando Life Skills Resource Group want you to know we are able to help during these difficult times. Please read about OUR TEAM here at Life Skills Resource Group in Orlando and find out how we can help you on your journey. AMY

Phone consultations are always FREE.

To read more about Amy Smith’s work at LSRG

Kim Murphy, MS, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern

Wikipedia describes unconditional positive regard, or UPR, (a term coined by humanist Psychologist Carl Rogers) as “blanket acceptance and support of a person, regardless of what the person says or does.” Now you may be thinking to yourself something along the lines of, “Oh, you can’t really do that. You have to have some judgments or opinions. Nobody can do that.” The truth is, if I couldn’t do it, I’d have no business being a counselor. UPR is the cornerstone of any therapeutic alliance. A person seeking the help of a counselor has to feel that it is safe to openly and honestly describe thoughts, feelings and actions without fear of condemnation, or even rejection. Clients in no way have to earn acceptance; it is immediately and freely given. As a counselor at Life Skills Resource Group here in Orlando, it is my duty to offer each client a “judgment free zone” in which they can learn to accept themselves and take responsibility for their lives.

When a person makes the decision to seek out professional help, they are often (not always) at the end of their rope, or close to it. The last thing they want or need is to tell their greatest sorrow/deepest secret to a complete stranger and then have that person tell them that they are flawed, damaged, foolish or “crazy.” They have already confided in their friends or loved ones, in hopes of finding that miraculous bit of advice that will make the pain stop-make it all okay again. But, they haven’t found it. The ever elusive cure is always out of reach. They see everyone around them as happy and productive and fulfilled, and they feel left out of life’s riches. They’ve been down so long that they don’t remember what it’s like to be up. What happens is that over time the people in their lives who matter most to them stop listening to them cry, and vent, and rage. They lose support and encouragement, while their need for it only increases. They know they have been alienating the people around them, but they’re desperate for the pain to stop, and so they keep seeking advice.

Unfortunately, friends and loved ones have a finite amount of time and attention that they can give to the person in need. Also, it can be quite difficult for a friend to listen to the story of someone who’s struggling without projecting themselves into the situation. They can’t resist saying, “I told you this would happen,” or “Are you still hung up on this?” or “I would never put up with that…” The truth is that the people in our lives who love us can’t stand to see us in pain, and they wish there was a magic button they could push to make our problems go away. They become frustrated and annoyed when they watch us repeat patterns, receiving wounds from the same source(s), without learning. Often, our friends and family cease to see us as separate from our problems and grow tired of “dealing” with us. Family members can be critical, spouses can be at cross purposes, and co-workers can have agendas. Their advice giving may be flawed, reckless or have strings attached, no matter how well intentioned. Sometimes friends and loved ones just come right out and say, “I give up. I can’t deal with your problems anymore!” This can leave a person feeling isolated and misunderstood. They are left to wander in the desert of disapproval, judgment and dejection alone.

Fortunately, a counselor’s office is the place where a person can fully experience the gift that is UPR. Counselors know that an accepting and supportive environment is the number one condition for personal growth. Unconditional positive regard can be the most curative thing that a counselor can offer a person. For how can a person who sees herself in negative ways hope to see herself otherwise, without having the opportunity to experience total acceptance right where she’s at, no matter the circumstance? As a client begins to see herself, free of judgment and blame, she is able to walk back out of the desert, never to return. UPR can truly be that cool drink of water, after wandering for so long in the desert and it is available to everyone who seeks it out. Fondest regards, Kim C. Murphy

To read more about Kim C. Murphy’s work at LSRG.

To arrange a Free phone consultation contact Kim at therapistkimmurphy@gmail.com or 321-352-2258.