Dec 09 2012
family trials & traditions
by Dr. Dar
“They say that blood is thicker than water. Maybe that’s why we battle our own with more energy and gusto than we would ever expend on strangers.” -David Assael
Apr 27 2012
Everyone knows one. They’re selfish, mean, arrogant, greedy, critical, explosive, needy and oh-so-charming (did I mention arrogant?). Worst of all, they’re often quite attractive and very intelligent. They’re the charismatic life of the party, who makes everyone within the sound of their voice feel special, important, alive. As the nursery rhyme says, “When they’re good, they’re very very good; and when they’re bad, they’re horrid.” They violate your boundaries…all the time. You get that queasy feeling that you’re being taken advantage of or abused by them, but you can’t decide what to do about it. You desperately want them to like you, spend time with you, approve of you and compliment you. And they do…when it’s convenient for them. But it always falls just short of being enough…
You fall into that trap of wanting to be better, trying harder and harder to please them. And, believe me; it takes A LOT OF EFFORT to please them. You wait for over an hour for them, when they’re running late. The first few times they’re so apologetic and eager to make it up to you. Then, after a while (or maybe fairly quickly) you allow them to convince you that their callous disregard for your feelings is somehow your fault. You make excuses for them to your peers who have already begun to give up on them. You start to notice that they have left many ex-friends and burned bridges in their wake.
You realize that they require Herculean efforts to prop them up emotionally. They are bottomless pits of need, and they are all too willing to critique your noble efforts to fill them up. You try to overlook their excesses like drinking, exaggerating, and monopolizing. When the extent of their emotional damage is finally made clear to you, through their explosive anger, lack of empathy, air of superiority, sense of entitlement, and fragile ego; you realize too late that they’re Narcissists. Somehow, you didn’t notice that they were never a good friend, lover, spouse, co-worker, sibling, parent, boss, etc. You just believed them when they said it was all your fault. Their crazy-making behavior totally pushed you off your center and you lost your sense of self.