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Do you feel like you can never make a decision? Do you think that you can’t handle things yourself? Do you believe you’re flawed, unworthy? Does the thought of loving yourself sound ridiculous, vain, selfish? Do you anticipate that life just isn’t going to be good, no matter what you do? Do you find yourself defending those who mistreat you? Are you always blaming and shaming yourself for things that aren’t a big deal? Does criticism send you into a tailspin from which you find it difficult to recover? Do you undersell your abilities and accomplishments to the point where you miss out on opportunities? Do you mistrust your own feelings and work hard not to let them show? Are you constantly trying to earn/re-earn approval, respect, love, and acceptance? Keep reading…

Is it possible you have a Borderline Parent? Maybe you do and you don’t even know. The thing is, if your parent is a Borderline you may be living a life that’s not your own; one of fear, shame, guilt and doubt. How can you tell if your parent is a Borderline? Well, first of all, see if any of the following sound familiar to you…

A person with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) exhibits an extreme inability to regulate or control emotions, marked impulsivity, instability of interpersonal relationships, and a tremendous fear of abandonment. Approximately 2% of Americans, predominantly women, have BPD, which translates to about 6 million people nationwide. Having a parent (mother or father) with BPD can be devastating to your self-worth and seriously hamper your ability to live your adult life to the fullest.

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Did you have a fun childhood? You know, the kind where every day seemed like Christmas or the Fourth of July? Did your parents make you feel like you were the best kid who ever lived and that one day you were going to change the world, write the great American novel, or at least cure cancer? Were you always stylishly dressed, well rested, completely satisfied and deliriously happy? Me too! No, just kidding.

My childhood was often difficult. I felt lonely and unloved much of the time. However, I had many good times, too. I had food, clothing and shelter. I had pets. I got to name them. I had a sister (I didn’t get to name her; she came first). I remember that when I was very young, my mom had this funny little Betty Crocker booklet of different birthday cake shapes. Each year she would get it out and have me choose a cake for my birthday party (I mostly remember the butterfly and the rabbit). She would elaborately decorate the cakes with coconut (yum), licorice (yuck) and gum drops (oh, yeah). My mom would let me pick where ever I wanted to go and whatever I wanted to do for my birthday, anything from spending the day at the zoo to dining at the fancy revolving rooftop restaurant downtown.

When my mom took me to the hospital at age six to have eye surgery, she said not to worry, because I had the same eye doctor as the Washington Redskins. So, I didn’t worry. The first time I went to work with my mom (she was a secretary), I was thrilled to discover a paint-by-number that I had made hanging on the wall by her desk. My mom would always buy me a new Nancy Drew Mystery when I finished the last one (I know, I’m old). My mom would let me play dress up with the cat (forgive me dear Smokey, forgive me). My mom even developed the blank roll of film I produced with my pin hole camera (the guy at the Photo Hut said that perhaps I had made the pin hole too big). One magical year my mom bought me a twirling baton for Christmas and a Star Wars X-wing Fighter for my birthday.

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According to Clark Hull’s Drive Reduction Theory of Motivation, “Any repeated behavior by an organism is an attempt to meet a need for that organism.” Meaning, we repeat the actions that we believe will yield the  results necessary to satisfy our needs. Ok, so that’s pretty obvious and basic, right? We eat when we’re hungry so we’ll be nourished; we rest when we’re tired so we’ll be recharged, etc. That makes sense, and it doesn’t take an anthropologist to figure it out.

Now, here comes the interesting part. What about when we do bad stuff that doesn’t seem to have any benefits? Why do we cheat on our spouses, yell at our children, or gossip about our friends? Exactly what need(s) do we desire to meet when we do those things? Aren’t we going to get found out, and won’t the consequences eventually be catastrophic? Can it be that we do it because we’re just in a bad mood, or we can’t help ourselves? Maybe we’re under a lot of pressure at work or a health crisis is making us feel “not like ourselves” lately. Do these kinds of explanations really hold water? What needs can we possibly be trying to satisfy when we engage in behaviors that are mean, selfish, unhealthy and/or down-right self-sabotaging?

Well, first of all, let’s clarify: I’m not talking about something you do one time, clearly identify as a mistake, and never do again. We’ve all done things that we look back on and think, “Whoa, what was I thinking?” I’m talking about patterns of behavior that are harmful to ourselves and others, yet we’re seemingly powerless to stop repeating them. Often, we’re “unaware” it’s even a problem. We rephrase our problem behavior into benign sounding expressions like, “I only date bad boys,” or “ladies know I like to play the field.” We say, “So what if I have a temper? I’m at every PTA meeting, and all my kids are on the Dean’s List,” or “Everybody knows I’m sarcastic; if they can’t take the heat, they need to stay out of the kitchen.” We imply that the person on the receiving end of our misdeeds is somehow complicit by saying things like, “She knows I don’t mean it,” or “If he doesn’t like it, he can just leave,” or “He knew what he was getting in to when he asked me to marry him,” or the ever popular “Hey, she does it, too. What’s the big deal? Nobody’s perfect.” At work, we excuse our gossiping and sabotaging of others as “office politics,” “business as usual,” “how the game is played.” We claim innocence and pretend that if we don’t go along with it, we’ll be shunned or sabotaged ourselves.

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Don’t you wish you knew what makes your teen tick? Wouldn’t you love to be the parent who knows exactly what to say and do in any crisis situation? Can you even imagine the luxury of knowing that your children are perfectly well adjusted, happy and wanting for nothing? Let’s face it; it’s VERY DIFFICULT to be a parent, under the best of circumstances. And, certainly, during those (hopefully) rare occasions when you have no idea what to do to help your child get back on track, you have no intentions of doing nothing and watching your child struggle and fail.

Sometimes, even when things are going absolutely great, our children are exposed to situations which are beyond their control or understanding. Serious illness or death of a loved one, bullying, nightmares, and moving to a new town are all situations that can leave your once happy child feeling frightened, helpless, and alone. Additionally, kids often don’t have control over things they are asked to do, or how they’re treated by others (namely siblings, peers or teachers). This can lead to frustration, confusion and anger. These problems, if left unaddressed can evolve into chronic worrying, health issues and even depression. No matter how concerned, loving and involved you as a parent may be, there are times when you just can’t help enough. You may not be able to make the pain or fear or anxiety go away, no matter what you try or how much you care. This is the point at which you need to seek out professional help.

That’s where Life Skills Resource Group in Orlando comes in. We have two therapists who specialize in working with children and adolescents; Amy V. Smith, M.S., L.M.H.C. and Kim C. Murphy, M.S., Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern. Both have extensive experience working with children and teens in the public school setting as well as in private practice.

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Everyone’s heard of co-dependency, a term originally used to describe the behavior of a person in a relationship with an addict. Today co-dependency is defined by Wikipedia as “having a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively care taking ways that negatively impact one’s relationships and quality of life… [it] may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, and/or control patterns.” Sounds familiar, right? We all seem to know someone who behaves like this at times. Well, how familiar are you with the other half of this equation, counter-dependency? In their book entitled The Flight from Intimacy, Psychologists Janae and Barry Weinhold (2008) describe a person exhibiting counter-dependency as one who “pushes others away; acts strong and invulnerable; is cut off from his/her feelings; is self-centered; is addicted to activities or substances; blames others; avoids intimacy; acts grandiose; tries to victimize others; and is a people controller” among other things (p. 5). So, you’re probably thinking you know someone like this as well. Unfortunately, in America this kind of behavior is considered somewhat within our social norm. Being in any kind of relationship (professional or personal) with someone who is appears counter-dependent can be extremely frustrating and exhausting. As a therapist at Life Skills Resource Group in Orlando, I do not find myself working with the counter-dependent person. However, I often find myself working with someone who happens to be in a close relationship with a counter-dependent person.

It is imperative that I make clear that these terms are meant to describe patterns of behavior, not to diagnose people. The Weinholds (2008) assert that “Most people are stuck in the co-dependent and counter-dependent stages (of childhood development) and are still struggling to complete the essential developmental processes of these two stages in their adult relationships” (p.31). Basically, we are seeking to complete the unfinished business of our childhood experiences. In other words, a child whose parent was often critical and withholding of affection, will unconsciously seek out in adulthood a partner who will help reenact the scenario of the critical parent and wounded child. Why do we do this? Drs. Weinhold (2008) maintain that while abuse and neglect can be causes of co- and counter-dependent behaviors, their clinical research shows that the most common cause of these behaviors is…subtle disconnects between parent and child…” (p. 7). Perhaps our parents were too busy dealing with their own emotional issues to properly support and attend to us when we need them most…

Drs. Weinhold assert that “people with predominantly co-dependent behaviors will end up in relationships with people who have more counter-dependent behaviors” (p. 6). Most people will attest to this, as we all know that opposites attract. While co-dependent behaviors center on maintaining an intimate relationship at all personal costs, counter-dependent behaviors tend to result in avoidance of emotional vulnerability to another person in a relationship. These oppositional forces connect all too easily and make for an extremely unstable relationship. In case you’re wondering, it is possible for couples to switch back and forth between roles of counter-dependence and co-dependence, depending on the nature of the situation the couple is presented with and their corresponding unmet needs (Weinhold & Weinhold, 2008).

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