Orlando's Counseling, Marriage & Family Therapy and Life Coach Professionals

“…people universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you’re fortunate enough. But that’s not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you don’t, you will eat away your innate contentment.”

- Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Wow, that sounds about right. I think I’ve been downright negligent about my own happiness, after reading that. I am unbelievably guilty of having waited for happiness to fall out of the sky. The hilarious irony of that sort of illogic is that, well, are we ever really prepared for something to fall out of the sky? Besides, how big is happiness, and is it heavy? I don’t know if I could catch it if I was standing in precisely the right spot at the exact moment that it fell. For that matter, it might not even be mine. For all I know, I could be catching someone else’s happiness by mistake; someone who just happened to have their back turned for a second to tie their shoe. Seriously, should all the unhappy people just stand in an open field, with binoculars and catchers’ mitts? If there were a designated field where this were to take place, Starbuck’s would be there making a killing. Unfortunately, some of us wouldn’t even show up.

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According to Clark Hull’s Drive Reduction Theory of Motivation, “Any repeated behavior by an organism is an attempt to meet a need for that organism.” Meaning, we repeat the actions that we believe will yield the  results necessary to satisfy our needs. Ok, so that’s pretty obvious and basic, right? We eat when we’re hungry so we’ll be nourished; we rest when we’re tired so we’ll be recharged, etc. That makes sense, and it doesn’t take an anthropologist to figure it out.

Now, here comes the interesting part. What about when we do bad stuff that doesn’t seem to have any benefits? Why do we cheat on our spouses, yell at our children, or gossip about our friends? Exactly what need(s) do we desire to meet when we do those things? Aren’t we going to get found out, and won’t the consequences eventually be catastrophic? Can it be that we do it because we’re just in a bad mood, or we can’t help ourselves? Maybe we’re under a lot of pressure at work or a health crisis is making us feel “not like ourselves” lately. Do these kinds of explanations really hold water? What needs can we possibly be trying to satisfy when we engage in behaviors that are mean, selfish, unhealthy and/or down-right self-sabotaging?

Well, first of all, let’s clarify: I’m not talking about something you do one time, clearly identify as a mistake, and never do again. We’ve all done things that we look back on and think, “Whoa, what was I thinking?” I’m talking about patterns of behavior that are harmful to ourselves and others, yet we’re seemingly powerless to stop repeating them. Often, we’re “unaware” it’s even a problem. We rephrase our problem behavior into benign sounding expressions like, “I only date bad boys,” or “ladies know I like to play the field.” We say, “So what if I have a temper? I’m at every PTA meeting, and all my kids are on the Dean’s List,” or “Everybody knows I’m sarcastic; if they can’t take the heat, they need to stay out of the kitchen.” We imply that the person on the receiving end of our misdeeds is somehow complicit by saying things like, “She knows I don’t mean it,” or “If he doesn’t like it, he can just leave,” or “He knew what he was getting in to when he asked me to marry him,” or the ever popular “Hey, she does it, too. What’s the big deal? Nobody’s perfect.” At work, we excuse our gossiping and sabotaging of others as “office politics,” “business as usual,” “how the game is played.” We claim innocence and pretend that if we don’t go along with it, we’ll be shunned or sabotaged ourselves.

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My life has been a continuous evolution. I have lived in 13 countries (every continent except Australia). It seems that I have been doing life coaching, in one way or another, all my life; professionally, I have been an International Life Coach for the last two years here in Orlando. It brings me a lot of joy to see others prosper. I just feel so connected to humankind. Every encounter I have- every give and take- I always learn something. It’s a fuel for growth. I go from the principle that we are born full of love, and we can only be happy if we can get love and share love. Love is a creator of peace.

Before this life I had another life. I had a corporate life. I worked in advertising and sales. Throughout, my driving force was always to see people grow around me. I was concerned with the people around me, my team. You see, I think we create barriers that don’t exist because of fear. I can go anywhere and feel like I fit. I find my reason for being is to promote tolerance, peace, and non-judgment. So, I decided to make a living out of it.

We are all human beings; the things we go through are the same across the world. Whether a woman is in Afghanistan or Sweden, she wants the same things. She wants respect, honor, support, food for her children… I love empowering women to take charge of their lives. Women are the pillars of their homes and the world. I tell them that to take care of themselves is a self-less act. For, if they are not well, they cannot take care of their families. I also help expats and ethnic minorities find purpose. It helps them to feel at home and live in peace.

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Recently, I had the opportunity to sit and talk with Cindy Fabico, MA, NCC, LMHC about her approach to individual and couples counseling at her practice, Life Skills Resource Group in Orlando. I must admit that I was the only one sitting, as Cindy was so enthusiastic about her role as a therapist that she remained standing almost the entire time. I hardly had to ask her anything, as she was so knowledgeable about her field that she required no talking points from me. The following is a brief summary of what was said during that conversation…

According to Cindy, we’re always sending ourselves messages, both good and bad. But what do they mean and how do we know which ones to listen to? Well, in therapy, Cindy begins by helping her clients to develop an awareness of those messages and how to track them (consciousness). She teaches her clients to acknowledge that the negative is real, but that they’re not going to fixate and focus on it. They can’t dwell on it. They must grieve what was and move on to what is. They learn to not dwell on the future, either. For if they focus on thoughts like “When ________ happens, I’ll be happy,” they won’t be doing anything about it in the meantime. They learn to stop being miserable and self-medicating with food, alcohol, sex, etc.

Cindy points out that if you want to be in shape, you go to the gym and eat right. If you want to be happy and feel good about your life, then you actively practice every day. How? You focus on what’s good instead of what’s bad. You take a good look at the people you spend time with (and make adjustments). If they’re not supporting your health and growth, what’s the use of being around them? You read books and journal. You exercise and get enough sleep. Cindy finds that by doing these things, people can change how their brains work. Even those who may be more prone to depression can rewire their brains for happiness.

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So, it’s your birthday? It’s my birthday, too, yeah (couldn’t resist). Getting older is a drag, isn’t it? Well, I say, “No.” I like the me I am today…much better than the person I was ten or even twenty five years ago, which raises an interesting question. Do we change that much over time? I think it’s more like what Anne Rice wrote in The Vampire Lestat, “None of us really changes over time. We only become more fully what we are.”

When I was a teen, I loved Anne Rice’s vampire novels (long before the dawn of Twilight). I used to imagine what it would be like to willfully take a cold dirt nap that lasted for years at a time. I wished I could live forever, walking the earth through the centuries as history unfolded before my eyes. I’m reminded of a New Order song from that time period (the mid 80’s) called Paradise that goes, “If we left this town, we could walk the earth together…” Anyway, I imagined what I would learn and how I would grow as the eons passed, AND I wondered how I would stay the same. When I was 16, it seemed very very important to be immortal. On most days I half suspected that I was impervious to death. Thankfully, I never tried to test this theory.

As a teen, I felt that everything was vivid and special and rare and important. Something scribbled on my classroom desk by its previous occupant, such as a misquoted line from a Led Zeppelin song, was to be contemplated, dissected and re-imagined. A meaningless glance from a boy in the hall could be the start of some monumentally romantic entanglement-unlike anything that had happened before to anyone on the planet-ever. Never did I dismiss anything as a chance encounter or a disposable thought. I spoke entirely in superlatives and believed in the gospel of extremes. All of my very special thoughts were preserved in a journal with elaborate cursive handwriting, and rarely shared with anyone, especially adults.

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The following is a definition from The Concise Oxford English Dictionary © 2008 Oxford University Press:
tolerate. verb
• 1 allow the existence or occurrence of (something that one dislikes or disagrees with) without interference.
Why are we such spectators to the things that bother us? Are we afraid of being wrong or overreacting? Do we fear being perceived as “pushy,” not nice or argumentative? Are we overwhelmed by the sheer number of things we feel forced to deal with that they just start stacking up? When we were small children, we had little ability to tolerate anything that we disagreed with. Does that mean it’s a sign of maturity that we have given up on the idea of voicing our objections and acting on our most basic desires?
• 2 endure (someone or something unpleasant) with forbearance.
The literal meaning of forbearance is “holding back,” according to Wikipedia. Why are we holding back? How have we become so out of touch with our own feelings that we unconsciously agree to endure something unpleasant…repeatedly?
• 3 be capable of continued exposure to (a drug, toxin, etc.) without adverse reaction.
So, can someone be continually exposed to something unpleasant, disagreeable, or toxic without adverse reaction?

Wikipedia describes toleration as “the practice of deliberately allowing or permitting a thing of which one disapproves. One can meaningfully speak of tolerating, i.e. of allowing or permitting, only if one is in a position to disallow.”

This is the key. Tolerations in our daily lives are entirely within our power to eliminate, or “disallow.”

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Jean Austin-Danner, MSW, LCSW, Licensed Clinical Social Worker

I am a counselor at Life Skills Resource Group in Orlando, and that is one of the questions I often hear asked by people who don’t really want to be seeing a counselor. It is usually followed up by the statement. “Talking about my problems doesn’t change anything.” That is certainly one possibility and I respect peoples’ right to have that viewpoint. I would just like to share my perspective on the point of ‘talking about things’.

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“This is not who I am. This is not who I want to be. This is not who I was born to become.” Have you ever felt this way, or are you struggling with these emotions right now? If so, you probably think something is wrong with you, or your life. Actually, these honest feeling are healthy, and quite normal. These feelings are nudging you not to sleepwalk through life, but to mindfully examine on how you are spending your time, and how you are using your gifts. These feelings don’t necessarily mean you need a new job, new location to live, or new relationships. What you need is already inside you. Like a sculptor, you need to chip away at the “stuff” that is in the way of your true inner being.
How do you go about “coming home to yourself”, and living the life you were meant to live? The first step is realizing you want more out of the life you have already created. You’ll need time. This is no race, and there are no material prizes for reaching your goal. What you will receive is peace, knowing you are honoring your true self.
Although you can certainly take this wonderful journey on your own, I invite you to join a group of like-minded people to help you on your way. You will need times of solitude, and time to reflect and journal, but coming together once a week to share your discoveries, share your challenges, and celebrate your successes makes the journey a joy, and keeps you from going back to sleepwalking through your life! We will explore finding work, or volunteer opportunities that ignite our passions, ways to move beyond instant gratification and materialism, and how to let go of worry and anxiety to live a calmer, more balanced life.
Please join us at Life Skills Resource Group Orlando starting Thursday, September 23, to explore “Perfectly Yourself. 9 Lessons for Enduring Happiness”, based on the book by Matthew Kelly. This new life coaching series led by Cindy Fabico, MA, LMHC, and Karen Walsh, LCI certified Life Coach, is an 8 week course that will be held on Thursday mornings, 10:30- 12:30, and in the evenings from 7:30-9:30. Click here to go to the groups page for more details and registration information. Don’t wait- it’s your turn to meet wonderful new friends, and find the happiness that comes from being “Perfectly Yourself”!
Karen To read more about Karen’s work at Life Skills Resource Group

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I am currently in the middle of a move and as I have been packing I have noticed some of the similarities between packing and counseling. Moving is about closing old doors to make way to open new ones. It is a time to clear out old items in your closet that you no longer need or want. You may clean areas of your home that you have not seen in a while. Moving also affords you the opportunity to donate items to others who may need them more than you. It’s a time to buy new things and create new spaces. For me, it is also a time to reflect on the memories attached to the home and each item as I pack them. I also vision new memories that I will be making in my new home. Like moving counseling offers the opportunity to clean out and make changes to different areas of your life.

Counseling is an opportunity to gain self-awareness and use life’s difficulties to create growth and change. For example, some individuals struggle with low self-esteem and anxiety. People who struggle with anxiety and low self-esteem often struggle with making negative self-statements as well as using absolutes, such as “never”, “always”, “I have to”. A counselor can help you identify these negative self-statements and help you replace them with positive self-statements that resonate with you. Talking to a counselor can help you carefully analyze troublesome situations, gain new perspectives, and explore options previously not considered. Counseling can help you process feelings and heal from past losses. Like moving, counseling helps take an inventory of a person’s life to see what feelings are worth hanging on to and which ones need to be left behind.

I have chosen to move in the middle of August and many people have called me “crazy” for picking the hottest month of the year. My response to them is, “I am ready to start this new chapter of my life and take on the challenge of turning my new house into a home”. Deciding to go see a therapist does not mean that a person is “crazy” or that he or she is weak-willed. Making the choice to see a therapist is courageous and an act of personal empowerment. It shows that a person is willing to better themselves through hard work and dedication to self. What could be “crazy” about that? Counseling, like moving, takes hard work, dedication, planning, and a willingness to accept change. With awareness, a determination to work hard, and a positive outlook, change can happen through counseling.

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One valuable lesson that I have learned in my life is that people often carry burdens that are comfortingly similar to the struggles that other people have survived. Deep and indescribable discontent; disconnectedness with the people around you; love and lovelessness; lack of direction and desire for meaning; these feelings, along with their inverses, are themes of the human condition. But when the moment and the feeling are consuming you, the life you live and the pain you know can feel like something that no soul on Earth has ever borne witness to. The truth is, though, it is far from uncommon to feel hopelessly alone, betrayed, maladjusted, or disconnected. There have been countless numbers of humans before you that have known similar pains, and there will be countless others ahead of you for whom life’s burdens that you have already experienced yet await.

This lesson that I’ve learned has instilled in me another fact of life: succumbing to a life controlled by these feelings of solemnity and misery would be the easy way out. A quitter’s game, loser think. Mind you, there is no shame in the feelings themselves, but rather the decision to let them rule your life. Giving in to a life of misanthropic solitude, of depressive shame or spiteful lethargy, is for functional people a volition; a conscious and controllable decision. Google has showed me John Donne is the man that said it best: “no man is an island.”

The human condition is shared by all humans. Pain and suffering have never been strangers to our kind, and for this reason there is always a friend to be found or a place to turn to for answers. For most of life’s strife, one need not look further than their record collection or to their friends and family for motivating compassion. But even during life’s most dire and disheartening suffering, there exists shelter to be found; people that will listen with unconditional regard for your own needs and well-being that will aid selflessly in discovering answers to your own life’s questions. In fact, there are ten of those people here, at Life Skills Resource Group. Toss that loser think out the window and call today for a FREE consultation…

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