Jan
24
2011
Kim Murphy, MS, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern
Why do we as human beings lie to ourselves? Fear. We fear the truth and its consequences, so we deny our feelings. This kind of behavior can sometimes have its origins in childhood experiences. If we were not given a healthy feeling of self worth and a sense of belonging; if we didn’t have a safe place to process and consider our feelings, we learned to deny the truth about what was happening around us and our feelings about it. Eventually we became able to close ourselves off from our feelings altogether. Denial is a powerful, powerful thing. As a child, you may have learned to deny your feelings as a way to insulate yourself from the painful circumstances that surrounded you. This kind of self defense may have served as a way to protect you when others didn’t. Now that you’re an adult, you may not even be aware that you’re lying to yourself when things go wrong.
You could be telling yourself a lie that prevents you from accessing the greatest joy of your life in an attempt to avoid pain or disappointment: “I’ll never be able to do it right. I just shouldn’t have kids. Look at how my parents screwed me up.” Or, you may be feeling the pain of an unacceptable situation, without having any understanding of fact that you could be the one to extricate yourself from it: “I just wish she would stop cheating on me. I know what she’s been up to. Everything would be okay, if she’d just stop seeing other people behind my back.” By learning to be more honest with ourselves, we could avoid a lot of pain and suffering.
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Dec
26
2010
Kim Murphy, MS, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern
“We avoid the things that we’re afraid of because we think there will be dire consequences if we confront them. But the truly dire consequences in our lives come from avoiding things that we need to learn about or discover.”
Shakti Gawain
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Oct
23
2010
Jean Austin-Danner, MSW, LCSW, Licensed Clinical Social Worker
I am a counselor at Life Skills Resource Group in Orlando, and that is one of the questions I often hear asked by people who don’t really want to be seeing a counselor. It is usually followed up by the statement. “Talking about my problems doesn’t change anything.” That is certainly one possibility and I respect peoples’ right to have that viewpoint. I would just like to share my perspective on the point of ‘talking about things’.
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Sep
17
2010
Amy V. Smith, MS, LMHC
From the moment we are born our parents start repeating words to us in the hopes that we will soon repeat those same words. Once we start school we are taught how to make sentences and carry on conversations. We communicate in many different ways everyday. We talk, send e-mails, make phone calls, text, give looks with our eyes, make facial expressions, and even communicate without doing a thing (Have you ever got the silent treatment?). Communication is a powerful tool that if used properly can help us be successful in all areas of our lives. Surprisingly, we are not actually taught how to communicate our wants, needs, thoughts, and feelings. As children, we learn to say “I am thirsty” if we want water, but we are not taught how to say “I feel sad, because…”. We generally learn how to do this through emulating our parents and others whom we look up to, but we are not usually taught the proper methods for communicating these feelings or why it is so important for our interpersonal relationships. As a result, many people simply don’t have the ability to communicate effectively.
As a counselor at Life Skills Resource Group in Orlando, I see the inability to communicate feelings at the core of many problems that lead someone to look for guidance from a professional counselor. Many adults and children have learned to communicate their wants, needs, thoughts, and feelings through ineffective and harmful methods – yelling, arguing, hurting others, and hurting themselves. Also, because they have not been taught the tools to communicate effectively, they react differently to different circumstances. While they may be able to communicate well in one setting, they communicate poorly in another. For example, some children get into trouble at school for disrespecting their teacher, but the parents report no such behavior at home. A wife may yell at her husband, but never raise her voice to anyone else. There are many ways communication can be misinterpreted and understanding this can only help one to be a more effective communicator.
As a counselor the first advice I give to someone struggling with communication is to start sentences with, “I feel…………”. In any situation when dealing with feelings it is best to start with how you are feeling and not to start with, “You……..”. I challenge you to try this technique the next time you need to communicate your wants, needs, thoughts, or feelings to another. Once you are comfortable with saying what you feel, you are ready for the next step, which is, “I feel…………..when you……………….because……………….”. Just by implementing this one communication tool you can increase your ability to communicate as well increase the chance of actually being heard. This is just one tool that I know can help, but there are countless others that the counselors and life coaches at Life Skills Resource Group would be honored to teach you.
An effective communicator can increase their self-esteem, strengthen relationships, set boundaries, and say what they are truly feeling without hurting others. If you struggle with communicating your wants, needs, thoughts, and feelings then a counselor may be able to help you learn new skills to be a more effective communicator.
If you would like to expand your communication skills or discuss new ways to express old concerns please contact one of the counselors or life coaches at Life Skills Resource Group today. Amy
To read more about Amy Smith’s work at LSRG. Visit the OUR TEAM page to read about all the counselors and life coaches at Life Skills Resource Group. Phone consultations are always FREE.
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Aug
31
2010
- Karen Walsh, LCI, Life Coach
“This is not who I am. This is not who I want to be. This is not who I was born to become.” Have you ever felt this way, or are you struggling with these emotions right now? If so, you probably think something is wrong with you, or your life. Actually, these honest feeling are healthy, and quite normal. These feelings are nudging you not to sleepwalk through life, but to mindfully examine on how you are spending your time, and how you are using your gifts. These feelings don’t necessarily mean you need a new job, new location to live, or new relationships. What you need is already inside you. Like a sculptor, you need to chip away at the “stuff” that is in the way of your true inner being.
How do you go about “coming home to yourself”, and living the life you were meant to live? The first step is realizing you want more out of the life you have already created. You’ll need time. This is no race, and there are no material prizes for reaching your goal. What you will receive is peace, knowing you are honoring your true self.
Although you can certainly take this wonderful journey on your own, I invite you to join a group of like-minded people to help you on your way. You will need times of solitude, and time to reflect and journal, but coming together once a week to share your discoveries, share your challenges, and celebrate your successes makes the journey a joy, and keeps you from going back to sleepwalking through your life! We will explore finding work, or volunteer opportunities that ignite our passions, ways to move beyond instant gratification and materialism, and how to let go of worry and anxiety to live a calmer, more balanced life.
Please join us at Life Skills Resource Group Orlando starting Thursday, September 23, to explore “Perfectly Yourself. 9 Lessons for Enduring Happiness”, based on the book by Matthew Kelly. This new life coaching series led by Cindy Fabico, MA, LMHC, and Karen Walsh, LCI certified Life Coach, is an 8 week course that will be held on Thursday mornings, 10:30- 12:30, and in the evenings from 7:30-9:30. Click here to go to the groups page for more details and registration information. Don’t wait- it’s your turn to meet wonderful new friends, and find the happiness that comes from being “Perfectly Yourself”!
Karen To read more about Karen’s work at Life Skills Resource Group
Aug
07
2010
I am currently in the middle of a move and as I have been packing I have noticed some of the similarities between packing and counseling. Moving is about closing old doors to make way to open new ones. It is a time to clear out old items in your closet that you no longer need or want. You may clean areas of your home that you have not seen in a while. Moving also affords you the opportunity to donate items to others who may need them more than you. It’s a time to buy new things and create new spaces. For me, it is also a time to reflect on the memories attached to the home and each item as I pack them. I also vision new memories that I will be making in my new home. Like moving counseling offers the opportunity to clean out and make changes to different areas of your life.
Counseling is an opportunity to gain self-awareness and use life’s difficulties to create growth and change. For example, some individuals struggle with low self-esteem and anxiety. People who struggle with anxiety and low self-esteem often struggle with making negative self-statements as well as using absolutes, such as “never”, “always”, “I have to”. A counselor can help you identify these negative self-statements and help you replace them with positive self-statements that resonate with you. Talking to a counselor can help you carefully analyze troublesome situations, gain new perspectives, and explore options previously not considered. Counseling can help you process feelings and heal from past losses. Like moving, counseling helps take an inventory of a person’s life to see what feelings are worth hanging on to and which ones need to be left behind.
I have chosen to move in the middle of August and many people have called me “crazy” for picking the hottest month of the year. My response to them is, “I am ready to start this new chapter of my life and take on the challenge of turning my new house into a home”. Deciding to go see a therapist does not mean that a person is “crazy” or that he or she is weak-willed. Making the choice to see a therapist is courageous and an act of personal empowerment. It shows that a person is willing to better themselves through hard work and dedication to self. What could be “crazy” about that? Counseling, like moving, takes hard work, dedication, planning, and a willingness to accept change. With awareness, a determination to work hard, and a positive outlook, change can happen through counseling.
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Jun
26
2010
Kim Murphy, MS, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern
Wikipedia describes unconditional positive regard, or UPR, (a term coined by humanist Psychologist Carl Rogers) as “blanket acceptance and support of a person, regardless of what the person says or does.” Now you may be thinking to yourself something along the lines of, “Oh, you can’t really do that. You have to have some judgments or opinions. Nobody can do that.” The truth is, if I couldn’t do it, I’d have no business being a counselor. UPR is the cornerstone of any therapeutic alliance. A person seeking the help of a counselor has to feel that it is safe to openly and honestly describe thoughts, feelings and actions without fear of condemnation, or even rejection. Clients in no way have to earn acceptance; it is immediately and freely given. As a counselor at Life Skills Resource Group here in Orlando, it is my duty to offer each client a “judgment free zone” in which they can learn to accept themselves and take responsibility for their lives.
When a person makes the decision to seek out professional help, they are often (not always) at the end of their rope, or close to it. The last thing they want or need is to tell their greatest sorrow/deepest secret to a complete stranger and then have that person tell them that they are flawed, damaged, foolish or “crazy.” They have already confided in their friends or loved ones, in hopes of finding that miraculous bit of advice that will make the pain stop-make it all okay again. But, they haven’t found it. The ever elusive cure is always out of reach. They see everyone around them as happy and productive and fulfilled, and they feel left out of life’s riches. They’ve been down so long that they don’t remember what it’s like to be up. What happens is that over time the people in their lives who matter most to them stop listening to them cry, and vent, and rage. They lose support and encouragement, while their need for it only increases. They know they have been alienating the people around them, but they’re desperate for the pain to stop, and so they keep seeking advice.
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May
31
2010
Memorial Day weekend is upon us. For some of us it means a weekend at the beach. Going to barbeque and picnics with friends and families. Unfortunately, for many American families Memorial Day can bring on the grief of the loss of a loved one who was in the military. These men and women have made the ultimate sacrifice, leaving behind parents, spouses and children whose lives will forever be changed. Soldiers are usually in the prime of life, with new families and parents who never wanted to outlive their children. The loss of a soldier may have been recent or many years ago, but family members may have a harder time around holidays such as Memorial Day where much of the news coverage and even advertisements mention soldiers and the armed forces.
If you or someone you love has lost a family member, it is good to know that there are skilled therapists and counselors like the ones at Life Skills Resource Group Orlando that can help you to work through the grief you are feeling. They can teach you the skills to cope with your loss, and to practice self care. When one is grieving it is easy to forget to eat, or to lose sleep. You may throw yourself into your work and become detached from your friends and family. You may feel as though no one understands what you are going through. Please consider seeking the guidance and support of one of our skilled therapists, or also utilize the services offered through local veterans’ assistance programs to find support groups.
However, even when soldiers make it back to home safely, some may suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. PTSD is a kind of anxiety disorder that can occur after you have been involved in a severely traumatic event that threatened your safety or life. PTSD Symptoms can involve flashbacks of the event, avoidance or “numbing” and extreme arousal, or feeling fearful all of the time. It is important if you or someone you love experiences symptoms of PTSD that you contact a counselor or therapist to discuss your symptoms.
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May
17
2010
One valuable lesson that I have learned in my life is that people often carry burdens that are comfortingly similar to the struggles that other people have survived. Deep and indescribable discontent; disconnectedness with the people around you; love and lovelessness; lack of direction and desire for meaning; these feelings, along with their inverses, are themes of the human condition. But when the moment and the feeling are consuming you, the life you live and the pain you know can feel like something that no soul on Earth has ever borne witness to. The truth is, though, it is far from uncommon to feel hopelessly alone, betrayed, maladjusted, or disconnected. There have been countless numbers of humans before you that have known similar pains, and there will be countless others ahead of you for whom life’s burdens that you have already experienced yet await.
This lesson that I’ve learned has instilled in me another fact of life: succumbing to a life controlled by these feelings of solemnity and misery would be the easy way out. A quitter’s game, loser think. Mind you, there is no shame in the feelings themselves, but rather the decision to let them rule your life. Giving in to a life of misanthropic solitude, of depressive shame or spiteful lethargy, is for functional people a volition; a conscious and controllable decision. Google has showed me John Donne is the man that said it best: “no man is an island.”
The human condition is shared by all humans. Pain and suffering have never been strangers to our kind, and for this reason there is always a friend to be found or a place to turn to for answers. For most of life’s strife, one need not look further than their record collection or to their friends and family for motivating compassion. But even during life’s most dire and disheartening suffering, there exists shelter to be found; people that will listen with unconditional regard for your own needs and well-being that will aid selflessly in discovering answers to your own life’s questions. In fact, there are ten of those people here, at Life Skills Resource Group. Toss that loser think out the window and call today for a FREE consultation…
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Apr
04
2010
Karen Q. Walsh, CLC, Certified Life Coach
At Life Skills Resource Group Orlando, we offer Life Coaching Groups 4-5 times a year. Some of the topics we have covered include “Creating the Life You Want”, “Quantum Success”, “You Can Heal Your Life”, “The 7 Levels of Intimacy”, and starting April 15th, 2010, our newest group, “Secrets of Success” (limited registration available in morning group, evening sold out).
But sharing the titles of the groups does not begin to explain the life changing experiences these groups have been for the participants. For if I told you there was a special place in Orlando, with a special group of people, who came together once a week for 8 weeks, and though most were strangers at the beginning, they came away “family”- would you believe me? Would you believe it’s possible to bring together strangers, and in 8 short weeks, find a community with an incredible bond?
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