I have to say that my all time favorite story when I was a little kid was The Emperor’s New Clothes, not Where the Wild Things Are or The Cat in the Hat. I suppose it had something to do with the fact that when I was very small, nudity made me giggle. Mostly, I think this tale fascinated me because, in the end, a child is the one who points out that the Emperor is naked. Also, I believe that even as a kid, I suspected that people could easily fall for deception if you told it to them in just the right way. Maybe I’m giving myself way too much credit. After all, around that same time, my favorite tv show was The Hollywood Squares, despite the fact that I had no idea what the jokes were about or the answers to any of the questions!

Today I read a snarky comment online that was written in response to a blog about Psychotherapy, which reminded me of the story about the Emperor who got nothing for his money but a lesson in vanity. This disparaging post (I’ll paraphrase) stated that therapy is merely “paying thousands of dollars to a shrink to be told the obvious.” The implication being that the therapist gets rich, while the client gets nothing. Within this same post was a reference to being given pills, so I’m guessing this person has also been prescribed medication for a mental health issue at some time in his/her life-or knows someone who has. I’m sad to say that I have read similar posts before.

If this person has received therapy and medication, yet feels as though there was no benefit, I am truly sorry to hear it.

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According to Clark Hull’s Drive Reduction Theory of Motivation, “Any repeated behavior by an organism is an attempt to meet a need for that organism.” Meaning, we repeat the actions that we believe will yield the  results necessary to satisfy our needs. Ok, so that’s pretty obvious and basic, right? We eat when we’re hungry so we’ll be nourished; we rest when we’re tired so we’ll be recharged, etc. That makes sense, and it doesn’t take an anthropologist to figure it out.

Now, here comes the interesting part. What about when we do bad stuff that doesn’t seem to have any benefits? Why do we cheat on our spouses, yell at our children, or gossip about our friends? Exactly what need(s) do we desire to meet when we do those things? Aren’t we going to get found out, and won’t the consequences eventually be catastrophic? Can it be that we do it because we’re just in a bad mood, or we can’t help ourselves? Maybe we’re under a lot of pressure at work or a health crisis is making us feel “not like ourselves” lately. Do these kinds of explanations really hold water? What needs can we possibly be trying to satisfy when we engage in behaviors that are mean, selfish, unhealthy and/or down-right self-sabotaging?

Well, first of all, let’s clarify: I’m not talking about something you do one time, clearly identify as a mistake, and never do again. We’ve all done things that we look back on and think, “Whoa, what was I thinking?” I’m talking about patterns of behavior that are harmful to ourselves and others, yet we’re seemingly powerless to stop repeating them. Often, we’re “unaware” it’s even a problem. We rephrase our problem behavior into benign sounding expressions like, “I only date bad boys,” or “ladies know I like to play the field.” We say, “So what if I have a temper? I’m at every PTA meeting, and all my kids are on the Dean’s List,” or “Everybody knows I’m sarcastic; if they can’t take the heat, they need to stay out of the kitchen.” We imply that the person on the receiving end of our misdeeds is somehow complicit by saying things like, “She knows I don’t mean it,” or “If he doesn’t like it, he can just leave,” or “He knew what he was getting in to when he asked me to marry him,” or the ever popular “Hey, she does it, too. What’s the big deal? Nobody’s perfect.” At work, we excuse our gossiping and sabotaging of others as “office politics,” “business as usual,” “how the game is played.” We claim innocence and pretend that if we don’t go along with it, we’ll be shunned or sabotaged ourselves.

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It seems that as a Nation we are extremely curious. If you want to know just about anything, you can Google it and you’ll have the best answer in under a second. Information practically floats up into your brain, without your ever having sought it, from an endless array of devices and resources. We all pursue knowledge in one form or another, every day. We need it to survive and thrive in an increasingly complex and diverse world. But, there’s a difference between information, knowledge and truth, isn’t there?

Everyone knows that scene in the movie A Few Good Men, where Jack Nicholson, when caught in a lie during cross examination, shouts, “You can’t handle the truth!” What is it about that scene (and that quote) that is so memorable? Could it be that it touches a nerve we all share? Are there “things” that we don’t really want to face or know about? Perhaps there is a place of vulnerability within each of us, where we don’t dare let anyone (not even ourselves) go. Is there something that we refuse to look at, name, or explore? The truth, our own truth, can be dangerous, maybe even unbearable (or so we think). For, what would happen if we let down our guards and exposed what we have shielded so closely all our lives, often at great personal sacrifice?

The truth about truth is that we all have the ability to encapsulate and hide it from ourselves for so long we can’t remember why. We then implicitly require of everyone that it remain untouched, unspoken. But isn’t that unwavering protection precisely what makes it so threatening and so powerful? Truth somehow becomes secret. It lives and breathes in the rarified air that promotes its endless growth and unlimited power. The amazing part is that if we could just look at our truth directly, if we could just peel back the protective layers of avoidance, fear, and servitude, we could destroy its power over us- once and for all.

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Have I told you lately that I love you?
Did you know that it is common for a client to fall in love with his therapist? Well, it is. Don’t worry, I’m not going to cite statistical averages, or use colorful metaphors about snowflakes, etc. But, I am going to tell you the truth, as I see it. We fall in love with our therapists because they offer us the one thing we’ve always wanted, unconditional positive regard. They fulfill that yawning, gaping, unrelenting need to feel loved, admired, respected.
Where does this need come from? Well, if you’re in therapy (or considering it), it most likely comes from a lack of love or nurturance that began in early childhood. Remember all those times when all you needed was for someone to tell you that you’re wonderful and that everything was going to be okay? You know, when you skinned your knee, or your kite string broke, or you got a B on a test that you studied for all night. Instead, you were probably told that you were stupid, clumsy, and never did anything right. Sound familiar? Well, guess what? Your therapist will never let you down by telling you such terrible lies… which is exactly what makes her so irresistible.
Your therapist is there to remind you of all the things that are great about you and to carefully challenge you to work on the few things that are not so great. All the while, she is modeling for you how you should expect to be treated by others. This is precisely where it becomes tricky. You see, it becomes abundantly clear after awhile that nobody treats you as good as your therapist does. Why? The cynical answer is that it’s because they only see you for one hour a week, in most cases. The truth is that your therapist understands that you have old and painful wounds to heal. She has the training necessary to walk you through the mine field of your past and into the peaceful valley of your future. How could you not love someone who is willing and able to take on such a difficult task with you?
It starts small. You wonder what your therapist is doing at a certain hour on some random day. Then you find yourself wishing that your therapist were with you during a particularly spectacular sunset. Next you’re wishing she could come with you to see this certain movie that really explains how you feel about things. Finally, you start imagining being with her while you’re on vacation with your family. Now you’ve gone too far, and you feel pretty uncomfortable, but somehow excited at the same time. Could she be feeling the same way? No. She can’t. Should she? Definitely not.
Should you tell your therapist about this feeling? Absolutely. Why, you ask, should I ruin everything? Well, that’s the best part. The reason why is because this is where all the work is done. You are at the heart of therapy. After all, this relationship that you are toying with in your mind isn’t real. However, the feelings are. The very best way to explore and resolve the feelings related to your painful childhood can be to explore your feelings about your therapist with your therapist. This is the point where a lot of people quit therapy. Don’t do it. Where else are you ever going to get the opportunity to delve so deep into the origins of your pain? Okay, so you may be thinking, “I DON’T WANT TO DELVE! WHY DO I HAVE TO DELVE?” Answer: To get to the other side. Is it worth it? Without a doubt. Is it painful? Excruciating. Do it anyway. If you’ve come this far, it would be a shame to go back. You’ll miss the view, and it…is…spectacular.

Visit the Our Team page to read about each of our counselors and contact one of us to schedule a Free Phone Consultation and begin your journey to the life you deserve.

Kim

To read more about Kim Murphy’s work at Life Skills Resource Group

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I am currently in the middle of a move and as I have been packing I have noticed some of the similarities between packing and counseling. Moving is about closing old doors to make way to open new ones. It is a time to clear out old items in your closet that you no longer need or want. You may clean areas of your home that you have not seen in a while. Moving also affords you the opportunity to donate items to others who may need them more than you. It’s a time to buy new things and create new spaces. For me, it is also a time to reflect on the memories attached to the home and each item as I pack them. I also vision new memories that I will be making in my new home. Like moving counseling offers the opportunity to clean out and make changes to different areas of your life.

Counseling is an opportunity to gain self-awareness and use life’s difficulties to create growth and change. For example, some individuals struggle with low self-esteem and anxiety. People who struggle with anxiety and low self-esteem often struggle with making negative self-statements as well as using absolutes, such as “never”, “always”, “I have to”. A counselor can help you identify these negative self-statements and help you replace them with positive self-statements that resonate with you. Talking to a counselor can help you carefully analyze troublesome situations, gain new perspectives, and explore options previously not considered. Counseling can help you process feelings and heal from past losses. Like moving, counseling helps take an inventory of a person’s life to see what feelings are worth hanging on to and which ones need to be left behind.

I have chosen to move in the middle of August and many people have called me “crazy” for picking the hottest month of the year. My response to them is, “I am ready to start this new chapter of my life and take on the challenge of turning my new house into a home”. Deciding to go see a therapist does not mean that a person is “crazy” or that he or she is weak-willed. Making the choice to see a therapist is courageous and an act of personal empowerment. It shows that a person is willing to better themselves through hard work and dedication to self. What could be “crazy” about that? Counseling, like moving, takes hard work, dedication, planning, and a willingness to accept change. With awareness, a determination to work hard, and a positive outlook, change can happen through counseling.

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Kim Murphy, MS, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern

Wikipedia describes unconditional positive regard, or UPR, (a term coined by humanist Psychologist Carl Rogers) as “blanket acceptance and support of a person, regardless of what the person says or does.” Now you may be thinking to yourself something along the lines of, “Oh, you can’t really do that. You have to have some judgments or opinions. Nobody can do that.” The truth is, if I couldn’t do it, I’d have no business being a counselor. UPR is the cornerstone of any therapeutic alliance. A person seeking the help of a counselor has to feel that it is safe to openly and honestly describe thoughts, feelings and actions without fear of condemnation, or even rejection. Clients in no way have to earn acceptance; it is immediately and freely given. As a counselor at Life Skills Resource Group here in Orlando, it is my duty to offer each client a “judgment free zone” in which they can learn to accept themselves and take responsibility for their lives.

When a person makes the decision to seek out professional help, they are often (not always) at the end of their rope, or close to it. The last thing they want or need is to tell their greatest sorrow/deepest secret to a complete stranger and then have that person tell them that they are flawed, damaged, foolish or “crazy.” They have already confided in their friends or loved ones, in hopes of finding that miraculous bit of advice that will make the pain stop-make it all okay again. But, they haven’t found it. The ever elusive cure is always out of reach. They see everyone around them as happy and productive and fulfilled, and they feel left out of life’s riches. They’ve been down so long that they don’t remember what it’s like to be up. What happens is that over time the people in their lives who matter most to them stop listening to them cry, and vent, and rage. They lose support and encouragement, while their need for it only increases. They know they have been alienating the people around them, but they’re desperate for the pain to stop, and so they keep seeking advice.

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One valuable lesson that I have learned in my life is that people often carry burdens that are comfortingly similar to the struggles that other people have survived. Deep and indescribable discontent; disconnectedness with the people around you; love and lovelessness; lack of direction and desire for meaning; these feelings, along with their inverses, are themes of the human condition. But when the moment and the feeling are consuming you, the life you live and the pain you know can feel like something that no soul on Earth has ever borne witness to. The truth is, though, it is far from uncommon to feel hopelessly alone, betrayed, maladjusted, or disconnected. There have been countless numbers of humans before you that have known similar pains, and there will be countless others ahead of you for whom life’s burdens that you have already experienced yet await.

This lesson that I’ve learned has instilled in me another fact of life: succumbing to a life controlled by these feelings of solemnity and misery would be the easy way out. A quitter’s game, loser think. Mind you, there is no shame in the feelings themselves, but rather the decision to let them rule your life. Giving in to a life of misanthropic solitude, of depressive shame or spiteful lethargy, is for functional people a volition; a conscious and controllable decision. Google has showed me John Donne is the man that said it best: “no man is an island.”

The human condition is shared by all humans. Pain and suffering have never been strangers to our kind, and for this reason there is always a friend to be found or a place to turn to for answers. For most of life’s strife, one need not look further than their record collection or to their friends and family for motivating compassion. But even during life’s most dire and disheartening suffering, there exists shelter to be found; people that will listen with unconditional regard for your own needs and well-being that will aid selflessly in discovering answers to your own life’s questions. In fact, there are ten of those people here, at Life Skills Resource Group. Toss that loser think out the window and call today for a FREE consultation…

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Jean Austin-Danner, MSW, Licensed Clinical Social Worker

As a counselor at Life Skills Resource Group in Orlando, I meet many people and hear lots of different perspectives expressed, especially about the rightness or wrongness of others. When I was a young girl, I used to listen to adult conversations around me. I heard lots of judging and criticizing in those conversations. Often, it seems, people are sure they know what is right and when other people aren’t (right, that is).

As a child, peoples’ judgments scared me. I tried really hard to listen to all the criticisms and use them to form a set of rules to live by–so I would be exempt from judgment, so I would know how to be right. As I grew older, though, I discovered that there were going to be too many rules to follow. Even worse, I learned that the rules could be contradictory, because different people had different ideas about what was right. It became quite a dilemma for me. The other problem was that there didn’t seem to be any space for me to make my own decisions about how I wanted to live and act—I was just jumping through the hoops of everyone else’s determinations about what’s right.

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Garrett Fabico

Maybe you’ve seen me or have heard my voice, but probably not much of both at the same time. My name is Garrett Fabico, and Cindy Fabico, founder of Life Skills Resource Group, is my mother. It’s been that way since 1988. Recently though, she also became my employer and I became her loyal desk jockey; answering phone calls and filing papers three or four days a week at the Life Skills Resource Group Counseling and Life Coaching office to supplement my ongoing education as a psychology major at the University of Central Florida (bonus: Karen Walsh, a Life Coach here, was also my fourth grade teacher—I’ve never called her Karen).

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Jessica Stage, MSW, Registered Clinical Social Work Intern

Although the weather is still chilly, it is nearly March! What have you accomplished since January? Have some of your resolutions been neglected or forgotten? Spring is a time of new beginnings and the perfect time to speak to one of the Orlando life coaches or therapists at Life Skills Resource Group!

Spring cleaning is not just for your house! Your mind may have negative thoughts or anxious feelings that have outstayed their welcome. You may not realize how often you tell yourself that “I can’t do that!” or “they probably wouldn’t think I was capable”. There could be an opportunity for a great new career or meaningful relationship out there that you have overlooked due to not thinking you are worth it. A therapist can help you to find the faith in yourself that has been missing, assisting you to become more assertive and less anxious.

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